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Women and Rage

Kimberly Flemke, PhD
July 12, 2004

As a woman, have you ever felt intense rage towards your partner? Not just anger, but rather, an extremely intense feeling that exceeds what you know is "healthy" anger. Unlike anger, rage overpowers normal brain functioning because it loses the rational component found within healthy anger. And the rational part of your brain is unable to understand or register consequences of your thoughts, words and actions. A woman who is full of rage often feels an internal force wanting to attack or hurt another person (even if she doesn't act on it). If you can identify having this feeling towards your partner, you are not alone. This is a much more common problem than people realize. And yes, there is help. 

Research suggests that there are actual changes, both physical and psychological, that occur with women who experience periods of rage towards their partners. For instance, the primary distinguishing characteristic women identify in feeling rage was feeling "out of control", where a power stronger than their mind takes over. For many, once an episode of rage is triggered, women feel at the mercy of something greater than their control. Some physiological changes that women report include sweating, shaking, increased heart rates, momentarily "blanking out", and blurred vision. 

In addition to bodily changes during rage, there is a common emotional process that accompanies women's experience of rage towards a partner. Often these processes occur so quickly, many women are unaware of the distinct emotional experiences. Research suggests that the first emotion leading up to rage is a form of fear, usually from feeling threatened. Next, women describe crying just prior to exploding. These tears, however, are not in conjunction to feeling sadness, but rather from feeling overwhelmed emotionally. Finally, after this emotional point is reached, rage detonates and explodes. 

If you are a woman who is living in fear of feeling out of control, not sure of what damage your rage could do to either yourself or your partner, there is help available. Dealing with buried issues inside you that are covered in shame may be the fuel that keeps the rage burning. Although we are comfortable discussing anger in our culture, the topic of rage gets very little attention. If you know that you need help in understanding, dealing with, and getting control of this emotion, maybe it's time to take action before it's too late.

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Kimberly Flemke, PhD is a Staff Therapist in the Council for Relationships' Voorhees, NJ office, and can be reached at 856-783-4200 x7.

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