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What Happened To Our Love Life?

Michele Marsh, PhD
December 27, 2004

"Is s/he attracted to me any more?" 
"What will happen if I don't make love as often as s/he wants to?" 
"Why don't we have fun in bed anymore?" 

Many individuals and couples express dismay to me about the quality of their sex lives. Their complaints range from not wanting sex to wanting much more sex than their partner will allow. Frequently partners question if they have some kind of dysfunction, wanting to know if their worries are "normal" or if they have a "real problem". Worries about the quality of the sexual experience itself range from concerns about how to stay "turned on" to the partner, how to have orgasms (either individually or together), how to "last longer", and most fundamentally, how to understand what is going on between the partners. Many individuals who raise these questions have not yet shared their concerns with their husbands, wives or life partners. 

Many factors conspire to decrease a couple's satisfaction with intimacy and sex. Increasing demands of the workplace, pressures to be a great parent, stresses such as sick children or aging parents, all contribute to the energy drain experienced by many adults. Money pressures, worry about the future and a rising standard of living also add to the list of what can interfere with even thinking about sex, let alone doing it. Some partners get distracted while making love by thoughts of work to be done or household chores waiting for them. It's no wonder that many couples suffer some sort of sexual complaint, ranging from lack of desire, discrepancies in desire, difficulties with arousal or orgasm, or pain during intercourse. Can anything to be done? 

One of the most important and, for some, most difficult ways to solve these problems is to talk about them. So many adults grew up with ignorance, secrecy or silence prevailing in their homes, that talking about sex seems unthinkable. Others have suffered longstanding tensions or arguments about sex, so that broaching the subject seems like a ticket to disaster. Others communicate poorly, blaming their partners for the problem rather than seeking to understand what they themselves contribute to it. All of these roads can lead to no sex or a poor sexual experience. 

Sometimes either doing something different or suggesting something different is enough to liven up the sexual experience and reawaken interest in one another. Trying a different time or place to make love can add excitement or resurrect romantic memories. Self-help books can be a source of interesting and accurate information, opening up a couple's awareness and understanding of their own sexual experiences. Couples' workshops on communication or sexual enrichment often open the doors to increasing sensuality and fun in the relationship. Getting professional help with communication, and with other problems in the relationship, such as anger or resentment, can also clear the way for improving the couple's intimate life together. Feelings such as anger and anxiety are guaranteed to dampen the sparks of sexual desire and keep you on the path of frustration. Several sessions with a couple and sex therapist can help to diagnose the sources of sexual frustration and to devise a plan to improve sensuality and sexuality in the relationship. With life expectancies increasing and sexuality lasting for many into the eighties, nineties, and beyond, starting to talk about sex now can open a window into an exciting future of increased intimacy, sensuality and sexual pleasure. 

For information on locating a couples workshop on communication or sexual enrichment, check out the Classes section of our website by clicking here.

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Dr. Michele Marsh is a Senior Therapist and Director of CFR's Center City, Wynnewood and Bryn Mawr offices. She can be reached at 215-575-9140 x1.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.