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Sooner, Rather than Later

Tom Winner, MFT
February 8, 2010

Many couples seem to think of therapy as a last resort, a final effort to save a relationship that has been battered by years or even decades of emotional pain. Resentment, shame, jealousy, hurt, contempt and other negative emotions tend to steep, and just like tea or coffee they tend to get stronger the longer that they brew. It’s a testament to both the effectiveness of couples therapy and the resilience of relationships that we can often help couples in crisis find a way to heal these wounds and rebuild their relationship. But it shouldn’t have to get to that point.

I’ve had the good fortune of having the opportunity to treat a few brave couples who came in to see me quite early in their relationship. Some might think this is a sign, a variation of “if you’ve only been together a year and you already need therapy, it just wasn’t meant to be.” I have to admit that early on in my training when I first started to see couples, I had the same thought. But, as they often do, my clients taught me and proved me wrong. Those same couples that came in early in their relationships tended not only to accomplish their goals, but to do so more quickly and more thoroughly than couples who came in later in their relationship. It’s tempting to think that this might be because the newer couples were coming in with less serious problems, but that certainly wasn’t the case. These men and women were dealing with traumatic events ranging from infidelity to serious sexual problems, and first sessions were often filled with the same intense emotions that some veteran couples display. Clearly these weren’t minor scuffles or disagreements.

So why did the newer couples succeed so dramatically? I think there are a number of reasons, and foremost among them is time. Negative emotions take their toll, not just in the moment but over time. If given enough time, even relatively minor negative experiences can snowball into something much more significant. A few bad sexual encounters might lead to anxiety and avoidance, which might in turn build up resentment slowly over time. It’s tempting to push that resentment or anxiety out of mind and remain willfully ignorant of a developing problem; we’ve all done that before. Over the long term though, such a stance is highly unproductive. We give bad patterns a chance to become routine, part of what each partner expects from the relationship. Contempt and resentment often follow, and when the couple finally comes to my office, each partner is deeply entrenched in this long, painful experience. When a couple comes in earlier, there is less history. The patterns aren’t so deeply ingrained, and it’s easier to imagine something more positive. It’s easier to be motivated by the potential for change rather than being bogged down by the weight of history.

Does this mean that all hope is gone for the longer relationships? Of course not. We have much success in treating motivated couples who want a better a relationship. But I often wonder, if these same couples who come in after years of distress can find hope and change through therapy, how much time, money and suffering might they have saved themselves if they started the process earlier? Perhaps the very points of crisis they deal with today might never have occurred had they come in during the early stages of their relationship.

Some of the best work that I’ve done has been with couples who aren’t actually distressed. I’ve seen an interesting pattern develop with some of my clients: they come in around a specific problem, and once they solve that problem they feel motivated to continue working to improve their relationship. Some decide to get married and desire premarital counseling. Others simply want to improve upon what they’ve already strengthened. It’s incredible what some of these couples have learned over the course of their work, and many of them have reported to me a sense of feeling more secure in their relationships and better equipped to handle future challenges. I wonder how much suffering might be avoided if couples came in to see a professional for checkups much like individuals do with their doctor.

The biggest tip I can give people in relationships is to schedule that check-up. Don’t be afraid of what it says about you and your relationship. It’s one of the wisest investments you can make in your future. Come in and see a therapist early, before problems get out of control. After all, if a major appliance breaks would you tinker with it yourself for years before taking it in for professional maintenance? You might even consider coming in before problems develop – you’ll be amazed at what you learn and you’ll set yourself on a path of understanding, compassion, growth and love.

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Tom Winner, MFT is a Staff Therapist at CFR’s Center City and Institute for Sex Therapy offices. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 ext. 4266.

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