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Teen Daughters And Their Emerging Sexuality:
Understanding The Big Picture and How To Communicate With Them About Their Feelings and Choices

Stephanie Newberg, MEd, MSW, LCSW
February 7, 2005

The world for an adolescent girl holds a multitude of competing needs, emotions, and physical changes. As she strives to integrate and cope with these dynamics, she is bombarded by different messages - her parents' values, the values and norms of the adolescent culture, as well as current trends of clothing, pop culture, and music. The combination of these factors will affect her choices and ultimately relate to her sense of identity and sexuality.

As you watch your daughter and see her emerging sexuality, it may be confusing and at odds with your own experiences and feelings. You may feel as if there has been a decline in values and ideals in regards to girls' roles since the sexual revolution in the 1960's. In addition, you may perceive your daughter's on-going family dependence and lack of a developed sense of self, and wonder if she is emotionally ready for what is ahead of her. The questions that arise are: What are the current norms of adolescent behavior? What is the importance of parental roles and values? What should parents expect, understand and communicate to their daughters in regards to their emerging sexuality? 

An adolescent girl's sexuality is a process that is greatly shaped and influenced by a combination of internal and external factors. These are: sexual maturity, peer and family relationships, information, self-esteem, the media and popular culture. In order to understand and communicate with your daughter about her sexuality, it is important to understand the interplay between them.

By the time a girl reaches puberty, she is beginning to experience sexual feelings and may be involved in some type of sexual activity. She has an increased capacity for romantic attachments to peers and is becoming self-conscious about her body image. Sexuality becomes an exciting and complicated issue because while she is becoming physically mature, she may not be ready for the consequences and pressures of being sexually active.

As a teen gets older, sexual activity enhances her social position because developing romantic relationships expands her social life and increases her social status . An adolescent girl's place in the social hierarchy can become dependent on whom she is involved with and to what capacity. This has become especially true as group dating has become a norm. It is important that you understand the complexity of peer influence and what feelings are at stake for your daughter.

The facts about teen sexual behavior are mixed and important for parents to know. Kids are trying sex or experimenting with sexual activity at an earlier age than ever before. Teens are maturing faster due to better health and nutrition (Kerby Anderson, 1995). According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (1995), the rate of teen births is decreasing and use of contraception is increasing. However, 1 in every 3 girls has sex by age 16, 2 out of 3 by age 18. Around 25% of teens' sexual experiences come after using drugs and alcohol, and the younger a teenage girl is when she has sex for the first time the more likely she is to have unwanted or non-voluntary sex. Eight in ten girls say they wish they had waited until they were older to have sex. The facts that relate to your role are: Seven out of ten teens say they are ready to listen to things parents think they are not ready to hear, parents rate high among teens as trustworthy sources of values and information, and 1 out of 2 teens say that they trust their parents for complete information on birth control. When asked, 75% of teens reports that lack of communication between a girl and her parents is the reason teen girls have babies. 

The media and popular culture portray sexuality and beauty and influence a girl's feeling about her attractiveness and self-worth as a female. The media is powerful, pervasive and can promote unrealistic and unhealthy messages about sexuality. 

Adolescent girls need a safe and honest dialogue with their parents about their sexuality. Open communication has proved to provide many positive results such as: delay in first intercourse, less frequent sexual activity, and increase in contraceptive choice. The following are helpful communication strategies to try:

• Pay attention and listen carefully to the details and issues being discussed so that you can gain an accurate picture of your daughter's relationships and concerns. Try not to make assumptions. 

• Make the opportunity to share your personal values about specific topics relating to sexuality and give specific reasons for your opinions and feelings. 

• Practice personal honesty; don't pretend to know everything, you can use books and videos to learn together, i.e. about the latest contraceptive options. 

• Allow the teens to be the expert when and where appropriate. 

• Indicate that you trust your child will handle sexual situations responsibly and safely due to the discussions and information you provide. 

It is important that you understand the importance of your role, as well as the influence of peers and media, as you embark on this process with your teenage daughter.

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Stephanie Newberg, MEd, MSW, LCSW is a Senior Staff Therapist and Assistant Director of CFR's Center City and Wynnewood offices. She can be reached at 610-642-2648 ext. 7.

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