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SUDDEN LOSS: “It’s just too much to bear.”

Michele Marsh, PhD
June 29, 2009

Today’s headlines are an uncomfortable reminder that, like the proverbial lightning, loss of a loved one can hit us at any time. The intense outpouring of pain, anguish, surprise and love at the death of Michael Jackson are a reminder for many of us that those we love, admire or even idolize are not invincible or immortal. Worse yet, sometimes we do not get the chance to say goodbye. This is a painful reminder that we are often not in control of life, and that “out of the blue,” our own life can dramatically change. It can feel unfair, traumatic, confusing, and overwhelmingly sad.

Grief itself is an emotion many people have little or no experience with; if you have not lost a beloved grandparent, parent, friend or other well-loved person from your life, the degree of sadness that envelops you can be overwhelming. When the grief is sudden, as when precipitated by a fatal medical event or accident, shock is often the first state of mind to set in. The combination of shock, sadness and feelings of loss can indeed feel like “too much to bear.”

The experience of shock and grief is life-altering, both in the short and long term. The person whose loss is tremendous, such as someone who suddenly loses a close relative, spouse or child, often feels that they are in an “altered state,” with the world around them feeling unfamiliar and foreign. It looks the same but feels totally different. Intense anger or anxiety can accompany the many questions concerning the death of a loved one: What happened? Could I have prevented this? Did I do something to deserve this? Where was God when I needed Him to save this person (and me) from this fate? Unfortunately there are often few answers, or those available bring little comfort.

Feelings are normal, lots of them. If you have suddenly lost a loved one, you may feel that you are losing your mind, or may even want to lose your mind. The thoughts and feelings crowding you can include almost anything: pain, guilt, anger, sadness, fear, panic, desperation, even suicidal thoughts and wishes. It is important to know that any and all of this is a normal reaction to a suddenly overwhelming situation. The mind and spirit can eventually adjust and even heal. Yet this will take time and a lot of care. During this time, self-care is essential.

For yourself, it is critical to get whatever help you need, even when it may be hard to ask. Talking to others, or not talking when that seems best for you, can be what it takes to get through the day. Since living one day at a time, even one moment at a time, is a great challenge, be kind to yourself. Do what matters to you and try to let the rest go. Allow friends and loved ones to step in. Taking care of basic health needs is crucial, even when eating and sleeping seem irrelevant to you. Consult your physician for medical help if your emotions are too hard to handle. If you are functioning better than you might have expected, it may be that your system needs to block out the full impact of what has happened. This may be your way of protecting yourself for awhile. It will change when you are ready.

Trying to help others who are in the state of sudden grief can seem daunting. Nevertheless, there is much you can do. Do not be afraid to speak of the tragedy; it is never far from the person’s mind. Tell your friend or loved one often, “I am here for you.” Asking “How are you?” may seem ridiculous at such a time, but asking “What do you need today?” or “How are you today?” can open the door to real sharing and information. “Being there” for the person, bringing food, writing them cards and notes, and offering to do errands or other practical tasks for them will be appreciated. Don't wait to be asked. Try to do something, anything helpful. Remember that your friend is in a state of disequilibrium and may not be able to fully communicate his/her needs.

As a therapist and a person who has also experienced intense grief myself, I value the support of therapy as a safe place to vent, question, reflect and express whatever needs to be expressed. Some people are not ready to do this, however, until the first waves of shock and grief have passed. Bereavement groups are a great resource for many who would like the company and support of others who are on the same journey. Through a support group for bereaved parents, I met a woman who took a leave of absence from work and sat in her rocking chair and rocked herself for a few months after the death of her child. By the time I met her she was sharing in the group how helpful this had been to her, and she was helping others with her story. In my own journey, returning to work helped me to go forward. We were two examples of how different people may grieve very differently, especially at the beginning of the journey. In a group, one can learn about the phases along the path of grief, and through others’ experiences, learn that survival and growth are not only possible but likely if we are patient with ourselves.

So be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Practice self-care. And reach out for help.

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Dr. Michele Marsh is a Senior Staff Therapist and Director of CFR's Center City, Wynnewood and Bryn Mawr offices. She can be reached at 215-575-9140 x1.

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