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Strengthening Family Relationships

Wanda M. Sevey, M.Div
December 1, 2003 

For most of us, the holiday season is also a season for family gatherings. That makes it a good time to think about family relationships and how they can be strengthened.

I once heard the comment that the average adult can be at a family reunion for about ten minutes before they start to feel like they're a ten-year-old, all over again. 

Yet, in a recent essay in a national newsmagazine, a twenty-something woman described her feelings of homesickness after moving across the country to attend graduate school. She noted that she used to feel embarrassed about missing her family, but not anymore. With threats of terrorism and the reality of war taking center stage in the news, almost everyone wants to feel more emotionally connected to those they love. So, which is it to be? How can we feel emotionally connected to those we love without feeling smothered? How do we maintain family ties as adults without feeling strangled by the ties that bind?

For some clues, we can look at how we humans get attached to each other in the first place. When all goes well, a newborn infant learns that it can depend on the adults around it to meet its needs. A newborn cries out and a parent soon responds by attending to whatever the baby needs, whether it's something to eat, a dry diaper or a comforting hug. Soon, the baby feels calm again. This process of expressing a need and getting a response is repeated again and again over time; and as a result, the child learns to trust the adults in his or her life. The parents grow to love the child more and more.

It's not long, though, before the same dependent child starts to need a little independence. A toddler loves the word "no!" because he's learning to be his own person. The adults around him then learn to let go of him a little and begin to allow him some latitude to express his personality.

As adults, we need both to be attached to those we love and to know that we have the freedom to be ourselves. Problems can arise in family relationships when families have trouble being flexible enough to allow us to be our own people while remaining connected to them. Sometimes, we end up feeling either disconnected from one another or smothered.

It is possible to have both a loving connection to family and maintain our own sense of self. Try the following the next time you have an opportunity to be with family:

• Learn about yourself.
  When you feel anxious or stressed about family time or you feel that your "buttons are being pushed" by family members, take a look within and ask yourself what you're feeling. What can you learn about your own needs and how they are or aren't being met? Instead of reacting and blaming, try to gather some information for your own growth. 

• Look each other in the eyes during conversation.
  Looking at each other with compassion, understanding and love strengthens the connection between you and sets a tone for closeness.

• Practice good communication & negotiation skills.
  There are bound to be differences of opinion. It's okay to say what you want. It's helpful to communicate your expectations early. Use the skills that you have learned in your friendships or in your work life in your family life. If you need some practice, look for a workshop or class on communication skills.

• Take a time-out.
  A walk around the block, an afternoon by yourself or some time alone reading a book or doing something you enjoy can help you reconnect with yourself during extended family time.

• Learn when to seek help.
  If past conflicts or feelings from events in the past keep cropping up, it may help to talk it over with a helping professional. Similarly, if it doesn't feel emotional or physically safe to be with family members, it's time to get some assistance.

This time of year can be very trying and often create increased anxiety. But the upside of family relationships during the holidays is that they offer an opportunity to create warm and memorable experiences to hold on to throughout the year. In order to make the most of the holiday season, it's important that you reach out to loved ones, reconnect and process those meaningful moments individually and collectively.

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Wanda M. Sevey, M.Div. is a Senior Staff Therapist in CFR's New Jersey offices. She specializes in communication and intimacy skills, as well as trauma recovery, life transitions and sex therapy. She can be reached at 856-783-4200.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.