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Separation…Wheel of Life…and Zebras

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT
March 26, 2007

It’s a fact: separation affects friendships. So let’s look at some ways to preserve close interactions with your friends and family when a separation or divorce may be starting. We will start all of this by describing a “Wheel of Life”. We will end with “Zebras”.

The first point to observe is that forming a committed partnership means bringing your one special person closer, but it also means inviting new friends…their friends… to be closer to you as well. We can draw a picture of these friendships and you. Draw, or imagine, a large wheel... like a super large bicycle wheel... with you and your partner at the center and the spokes radiating out to other people all of whom are family, friends, or acquaintances. Let’s call this the “Wheel of Life” because it can include all of the relationships you have; at work, at home, everywhere. The union of the two of you at the center means that your friends and their friends become mixed into this wheel, so it is not a simple round wheel. Instead, it is a wheel with both close-in circles, and further-out circles, but the big feature is the mixing of your friends with theirs. We often do not realize how our close relationship with one person influences our relationship with others. But…confusion will occur throughout the wheel when the partnership at the hub begins to split.

Suppose that you and your partner begin to separate. As the bonds of your union at the hub begin to pull apart, the friendships connected to that hub become confused. This confusion means the friendship-connections to the two of you begin to change. Some connections may break under the strain of your separation; others may become stronger. What we can say with certainty is that as your partnership begins to split, your friends become confused about where they fit inside this changing wheel.

The purpose of this article is to provide some helpful guidelines to help you preserve your relationships and friendships, and to help you grow.

Guideline One – Prevention: Work toward preventing your separation at the hub in the first place. Multiple studies reveal that couples with severe emotional tension and anger wait five to seven years before seeking counseling, if they go at all. This may surprise you, or you may realize that you, or a friend, is in exactly that situation. The first guideline is simple: Get help. Therapists trained in couples and family interactions can help tremendously. Couples can learn to work together on their common problem and allow it to pull them together rather than split them apart. Talk with one of us at Council for Relationships, or another family therapist. It is a safe way to grow.

Guideline Two - Close Friends: Help your closest friends with their confusion. A close friend may be struggling, for example, because their partner wants to stay loyal to your splitting partner. Or, there may be some other stress and confusion they have. Your friend may feel torn, with the result that they may shut down on you, not talking at all, or not being the friend that you once knew. Your job, in such cases, is to help them by talking with them about the situation. Ask them if they feel torn; ask what may be bothering them. The idea is to listen, not to throw solutions at them too fast. Your friendship can grow stronger simply because the two of you realize that you are both there for each other. Your “Wheel of Life” is changing and can grow stronger.

Guideline Three - Casual Friends: Set boundaries; be frank and clear with neighbors, walking partners, and acquaintances. Tell them that there are certain subjects or items that you cannot discuss. Your well-meaning and helpful neighbor, for example, may want to know the details of what happened and what will be done next. Typically there are legal issues to be settled around finances, property, or custody. Discussing these with people you hardly know is generally not productive and sometimes not legally wise. Tell them that you have boundaries for some issues, which does not mean that you are being unfriendly. It is simply a choice you are making for now. People generally not only understand such a choice, they also feel more comfortable knowing where the boundaries are. Boundaries allow them and you to be clearer and closer. Use boundaries.

Guideline Four - Family: Be open to their caring, yet set boundaries there also. You may feel that you are getting too much advice from the family; or too little understanding. This may be the first and best opportunity you have to feel both closer to them, and yet clearer on the boundaries that you need. A primary problem that we therapists see with families is described by the term ‘enmeshment’, which means an emotional tie between and among family members that causes them to react poorly to each other’s comments rather than respond in calm and considerate ways. Try to respond, not react. Point out that you want to be understood. Remember that counselors can help in ways that can improve your relationships and lower your tension with family members forever.

Guideline Five – Your Growth: Be careful that your anger at your partner does not push your friends away. Your partner may have cheated on you, or there may be many other reasons that you feel angry. Harboring and ruminating about the anger does not allow you to grow from the experience. Find a therapist to help you heal. You will appreciate it; your friends will, also. This is a wonderful opportunity to grow in new ways. Note: There are previous articles on this website that discuss anger.

In summary, while separation is painful and emotionally difficult, it presents a life-changing opportunity to create closer friendships and understanding from some people on your “Wheel of Life.” You can grow in new ways forever.

And Zebras…We can learn from them. They have a “Wheel of Life” too. They stand together, groom and clean each other, support each other, and search for any zebra family member that is missing. If a committed pair is missing, the group becomes confused. So, be like a Zebra. Wear your unique stripes proudly, set boundaries yet be open to friends and family, be generous in giving and receiving. Further, those stripes are complex, like relationships. White on black or black on white? The answer is both. The black fur stripes appear to be on white fur, just look at the all white under-belly. But under the fur is black skin! A beautiful, gentle, and complex animal. Be a Zebra.

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Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT specializes in counseling for couples and families. He works out of the Council for Relationships offices in Doylestown and can be reached by calling 215-345-8454 ext. 4.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.