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Growing Self-Esteem

Angela Dello, LCSW
April 13, 2009

Just recently, I was waiting for a class to start and began chatting about the weather with those around me and we all agreed we could not wait for Spring! Sunshine, warm breezes, flowers and blossoming trees---growth---time to renew. Not only is it nature’s time to re-grow after lying dormant all winter, it can be our time as well.

In my work with women, some of the concerns and wishes I hear are “I want to feel better about myself,” “I want to feel confident,” “I want to be able to say no and not feel so guilty,” or a common story: “I worked in a high level position, had a personal crisis, and now I can't pick myself up. I feel so incompetent.”

What these women are talking about is their most important relationship: the one they have with themselves. For women who want to simply improve their already good self-esteem to those with very low self-esteem, there is good news - we are all capable of “growing” our self-esteem. The good feelings we can generate about ourselves are limitless. Most important, these feelings are within our control, independent of how the rest of the world views us. However, for those who have been struggling for years this may seem like a monumental task with no clear way to begin.

In growing self-esteem there are three main tasks: getting to know ourselves, accepting who we are, and taking care of ourselves. In the Women’s Self-Esteem class I co-facilitate, members courageously begin by looking at their family of origin with questions such as: What kinds of feelings were allowed to be expressed? How did people show disappointment? How did people show support? What messages did I get growing up about myself/others?

To gain further information and a better understanding of who they are, members are invited to “fly” back over their life and observe the “hills and valleys” of their experiences. It is through this deep exploration that they can begin to gain an appreciation for themselves along with self-compassion and self-acceptance—the second critical task to gaining self-esteem.

The third central task to growing self-esteem is self-care. Self-care is about taking time for ourselves in the most basic ways such as going to the doctor, eating well, and exercising. It’s also about identifying our needs and wants, and allowing ourselves to feel and express emotions.

Working in a group can help women to realize they are not alone in their search. Sharing feelings in a supportive environment can help women to know and accept themselves. They can become more empowered in efforts to grow self-esteem over time.

The following are some concrete strategies you can practice to grow self-esteem:

• With curiosity, evaluate your relationship with yourself; are you harsh and judgmental or are you relatively supportive?
• Keep a log of your internal dialogue; list your critical comments then ask yourself if you would speak this way to a dear friend; if not, then ask yourself if this is the way you really want to treat yourself.
• List your strengths and weaknesses. Listing your strengths is not bragging—think about the things you have overcome, the times when you’ve had a success, things you’ve mastered. Edit your weaknesses. Instead of describing yourself as “illogical”, you might more accurately say you are “unreasonable when angry.”
• Make a list of your good points and post them where you can see them, like on your car dashboard, on your mirror, or in your gym bag. Examples; I take time to enjoy the morning light; I’m a good listener to my friends; I give my daughter time and attention; I took care of my father when he was sick.
• Eliminate “should” from your vocabulary—it is a self-esteem wrecker.
• Be active and learn new things.
• Honestly assess your relationships. Don’t stay in relationships that are abusive. Be clear about your limits.