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What Happens to a Couple in Retirement?

Peggy Roth, MS Ed, LMFT and Sue Milbourne, MS, LMFT
September 20, 2004

Part I: This is the first piece of a two-part series on the relationship challenges of retirement. This is a topic that is not often discussed, but affects many people and relationships. Please read on to learn how real people handle this transition in their lives... Click here to read Part II.

Ted and Alice had looked forward to retirement. Both enjoyed tennis, golf and planned to move to an area of the country where both activities were possible all year and they could travel without having to worry about keeping up a property. 

They had 2 models of retirement. Ted's parents moved to Florida and relished a leisure life style and kept expanding their set of friends, both younger and contemporary. Alice's parents were unable to accept the changes in their lives and became angry and resentful of them. This was a painful and difficult process prompting conversations between Ted & Alice about their own retirement which they were hoping would more closely resemble that of Ted's parents in Florida.

The stock market decline postponed their plans for 5 years, during which time Ted had a mild stroke and Alice was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

Facing financial and health challenges this couple found their plans for the perfect retirement altered. 

Can this retirement be saved? What are they going to do? 

Although it may have many faces, for the purpose of this article, we are defining Retirement as the stage in life where, if there were children, they are grown and living on their own and where one or both partners has stopped working outside of the home.

Defining this period as a transition similar to other transitions both in our individual lives and in our life together as a couple may be helpful as there has not been much written about this stage of adult life. 

In Part I of this two part article we will explore this transition and offer ways of thinking and talking about it that will be helpful to any couple at any stage in their relationship. 

People in this stage of life may experience one or more of the following: ailing and failing parents, adult children in crisis, job changes or endings, financial challenges, changing health, aging bodies (our own and our partners), kids leaving home, the joys and challenges of grand-parenting.

We find that couples who can discuss their visions of retirement often during the course of the relationship adapt better to life changes when they happen.

One way to flesh this out is to suggest that each partner see the movie of their vision. What is the set, the location, who are the players, what are they doing? How similar are your movies? 

As you envision each of your movie sets see if you can try uncovering the expectations you have around money, sex, housework, power, and role changes.

Understanding that these expectations are unconscious and based on assumptions from our families makes it easier to understand and tolerate them, our own and our partner's. And this understanding can free us to choose to do things differently. 

We find that couples who discuss these older life issues often are more accepting of life's difficulties as they arise because they have gotten used to naming the possibilities which tends to take away the feeling of helplessness in the face of them. 

We believe that knowing that this is a normal part of life and that it is an opportunity for a deepened understanding of both oneself and one's partner allows for moving into this relationship period with openness and acceptance.

If we can embrace the struggles inherent in these unavoidable events, we offer ourselves the opportunity to grow through the challenge. 

We believe that this period, although fraught with challenges and difficulties, can be one of positive growth, new understanding about yourself and your partner, and renewed commitment and deepening of love. 

Click here to read Part II of this article, where we offer some suggestions for navigating this little known territory...

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Peggy Roth, MSEd, LMFT and Sue Milbourne, MS, LMFT are Staff Therapists at Council for Relationships' University City and Paoli offices and can be reached at 610-889-0419 x5.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.