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Renovating a House:
Major Stress in a Relationship

Margaret Shapiro, LCSW
April 9, 2007

The New York Times' House and Home Section recently (Jan. 11, 2007) ran an article about the stress of home renovation for couples. Even couples who do not usually argue often find themselves having conflicts over where to hang a light, what fabric the new couch should be, one sink or two in the new bathroom... In the article Harriet Newman Cohen, a Manhattan divorce lawyer, states, “ And renovation is very like a marriage; it’s very exciting in the beginning, both partners have high expectations, but it’s hard work and it creates a lot of financial stress. There will be rubble. They will be breathing dust. Everyone gets very irritated.” Why does this happen even when both partners agree to renovate, and want to make their home more functional, or inviting, or modern or bigger.

When Penelope Green from the NY Times called to interview me about the stress a relationship faces during renovating, and the meaning of a home to a couple, I was happy to share some clinical experience. There are many different meanings, and the partners may not have explicitly talked about what their home or renovating it means to each of them. To one partner a home may mean security and a safe refuge in a scary world, while to the other partner it may mean showing the world that they are successful and can afford to modernize or expand. A home represents dreams and hopes and expresses a lot about how a couple wants to present themselves to the world and how they plan to raise and nurture their family. Discussing a renovation can bring up their different feelings and thoughts that perhaps have never been fully discussed in terms of personal or emotional significance. The important point is there is no right or wrong, but there might be significant differences – and both partners’ views are valid. When they can understand and talk about their differences, many conflicts can be addressed or avoided.

A couple I worked with recently was having many heated discussions about renovating the family room. They had three boys ages 10, 12, and 14. They both agreed they wanted a comfortable house for their sons’ teenage years. When they could slow down and talk about why a family room was or was not important, they realized they could agree on a compromise. The wife wanted to be sure the kids were safe and comfortable at home and would spend time with their friends at home rather than out. Her own childhood home was never welcoming to friends. The husband wanted to be sure it did not cost too much money. He wanted to retire earlier than his father had so he would have some time to travel with his wife and play with his grandchildren. His father retired at 75 and died at 76. With some redirection in therapy they realized they could both get what they wanted. She agreed to work three days instead of two and contribute more to their retirement fund so he would not feel that it was entirely his burden. He agreed to help install the carpet and she agreed to get a smaller flat screen TV for the family room.

Here is a suggestion for a productive kind of conversation, which I often use in my practice, when an argument cannot be resolved, loosely based on the PREP program by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg from the University of Denver:

If a subject keeps coming up and never seems to get resolved, something is not getting heard or understood. Take 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to have a different kind of conversation about this subject.

Partner 1 asks: What are you trying to tell me about this that I am not understanding? Why is the (family room, or whatever the argument is about) so important to you? I'm missing something.

Partner 2 has 4 uninterrupted minutes to explain using only 'I' sentences. No questions or sentences starting with 'You' are allowed.

Partner 1 then explains what (s)he heard without rebutting or stating his/her own thoughts.

Partner 2 needs to feel understood and heard, though not agreed with, before switching turns.

Then reverse.

The goal is to feel HEARD, not necessarily agreed with.

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Margaret Shapiro, LCSW is Assistant Director of CFR’s University City office and a Senior Staff Therapist. She can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3118.

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