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Relationship Rescue: A Simple Way to Start

Stephen R. Treat, DMin, LMFT
July 24, 2006

Relationships are wonderful and enriching, as well as difficult and complicated. There are intense and busy times of childrearing and career development, as well as easier but often challenging empty nest years. In understanding the closeness and distance, the intimacy or despair of any couple, we know to look at issues of attachment and nurturing in each partner's family of origin. The early socialization years and building of identity at school and camp are formative. Dating, patterns of relationships and the ability to become a peer with parents help determine relationship success or difficulty for all of us. And with all the in-depth ways of explaining defenses and fears developed at every stage of life, it is sometimes more helpful to think more simply. Sometimes, it's better to take the deep psychology out of a couple's current issues.

To start simply, a couple might ask themselves the question, "“Do we have an adequate structure for our relationship to form, grow and remain viable?”" A car without an engine, tires, suspension, etc. will not run no matter how much one loves it and cares for it.

The purely structural questions are:

1. Do you go on vacation as a couple?
2. Do you go away for a weekend once or twice a year without children?
3. Do you talk for 10 minutes every day or at a minimum, every other day?
4. Do you touch?
5. Is your bedroom private, no children sleep there, and it isn’t the room with the TV?
6. Do you have a hobby or activity you do for fun?

These structures and others sometimes determine the solidarity of a marriage as much as any new in-depth psychology. Without such structures some relationships aren’t given a fighting chance and eventually they slowly drift until a couple feels like they are in a “bad relationship.” The best time to take control is before the drifting starts to happen – do a self-assessment on your relationship by asking some very basic questions like the ones above. And if you do feel that drift, do something about it. Simply start by talking.

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Dr. Stephen R. Treat is a Senior Therapist and Director/CEO of Council for Relationships. He is a sought-after speaker, consultant and media contributor who can be seen every Friday morning on the 10! Show on NBC. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3123.

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