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What Your Parents Didn't Teach You About Marriage:
How the New Relationship Education Programs Can Help You Get a Great Start

Rita DeMaria, PhD
November 3, 2003

For people who were married before 1970, there was little advice to be had for engaged and newlywed couples. They may have received a little advice from a pastor, rabbi, or doctor, but there were no educational programs to teach the basics of marriage. Part of the reason is that marriage had not been studied very much. The first studies began in the 1940s but serious research about marriage began to flourish in the 1960s and 1970s. In the midst of all of this, there were many changes in expectations about marriage and in attitudes about divorce. In addition, divorce codes were changed in the 70s and allowed "no fault" divorces. As the divorce rates soared, marriage counseling, marriage enrichment programs, and research about marriage began to expand.

As a result, today we have educational programs that have been designed to prevent divorce by giving couples knowledge and skills to address the complexities of marriage. Research indicates that these kinds of programs have a positive impact on helping couples address the challenges they may face in the first years of marriage. For couples to benefit from these programs there are two prevailing attitudes that have to be modified: the myth that relationships should just work out magically and the taboo against sharing information about our marriages with others.

The first myth is that marriage should just work out naturally if you are meant for each other. As a marriage counselor, I often hear people say, 'since we are having problems, it must be that we aren't right for each other.' However, compatibility in marriage is something that comes from commitment, affection, and communication and it improves the longer you are married. In other words, couples become compatible, they don't necessarily start off that way.

The second problem is the taboo about talking about our marriages. Everyone assumes that if you are talking about your personal problems, then you must be having serious problems. The reality is that all couples struggle with issues of money, sex, in-laws, and personality differences; the difference lies in how they communicate them.

Finding out about relationship education programs.

Once you overcome your reluctance to get involved in a program for couples, you will find many options available. There are many options for couples to choose from if they are willing to get enrolled in a relationship education program. Some churches require couples to participate in premarital counseling and education. This usually includes an inventory of relationship strengths and weaknesses and either individual or group meetings about communication and conflict resolution. In addition, there are some specific programs that have been designed by researchers and marriage experts like PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) and PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). The Coalition for Couples, Family, and Marriage Education (CMFCE) can provide information about the many programs available. CMFCE can be reached at (202) 362-3332 or on the worldwide web at www.smartmarriages.com. In the Delaware Valley, couples can contact The Relationship Center at (800) 997-2477 for information about programs they offer as well as recommendations about other programs in the Delaware Valley. 

Some Suggested Readings 

Passage to Intimacy by Lori Gordon
Why Marriages Succeed and Fail by John Gottman
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Hot Monogamy by Pat Love
Fighting for Your Marriage Markman, Blumberg and Stanley
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

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Rita DeMaria, PhD is Director of the Relationship Education Program at Council for Relationships, and is a therapist in the Spring House and Wynnewood offices. She is a leading teacher, public speaker and author of "Building Intimate Relationships." Dr. DeMaria can be reached at 215-628-2450.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.