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Reflecting About Fathers

Dr. Rita DeMaria
June 20, 2011

A friend of mine just chaperoned his daughter's middle school trip to New York City. Her mother died two years ago from cancer. Imagine the sense of security and comfort his daughter felt when she looked around and saw her father there. My own father died when I was 24, suddenly, from an apparent heart attack. We had just begun to reconnect and heal some hurts from the past. He gave me some advice in one of my first job opportunities which I have never forgotten. He didn't see me marry, but his younger brother, a father of six was my escort on the day of my wedding. He never met my children, but my children know about him - his strengths and his weaknesses. And they know that he was important in my life.

Fathers have a special role in the lives of their children that includes providing love, guidance, support, and encouragement. Fathers have very different and equally important roles with their sons and their daughters. As important the role of the father is for a daughter, a father has a unique role with his son or sons. Yet many people know that the presence of a father is no guarantee of security, advice, or love. It depends on the man who is the father and who they are and what they have experienced. Some men were lucky to have loving fathers, some were not so lucky, and some had no sense of their father because he just was never there.

We have a great deal of science now that validates, clarifies, and describes the importance of fathers in the lives of their children and in the life of the family. However, we don't have to go back too far to see how and where fathers were marginalized in the lives of many families. It was only during the 1970s with the advent of birthing rooms and childbirth education that fathers had a close-up and real opportunity to bond with their babies. Before that birthing was the realm of women. And before the advent of penicillin, many women did not make it through the childbirth experience.

Many of us take it all for granted now that a father will be a real presence in our lives. But for many others, their fathers have been invisible. In 2007 Council for Relationships received a federal grant to work with the Mayor's Office of Community Services and, in particular, the Fatherhood Initiative Program. With my colleagues here at CFR we undertook a needs assessment to find out what kind of healthy relationship and healthy marriage programs these fathers might need and want. After over 30 years of experience working with individual, couples, and families from all walks of life, we met close-up the men who rarely knew their fathers. The loss is deep and covered by the complications of the cycle of poverty. Yet, within these men there is a desire to be there for their children despite conflicted family relationships, unemployment, and all the social problems you can imagine. These fathers want to be connected to their children. They want their children to succeed and find happiness in life. Yet, they feel a loss difficult to describe and they don't often understand what and why they were abandoned. Nor do these fathers know how to begin to reverse the 'ripple effect' for their children.

During the three year project I gained deep empathy, compassion and understanding for and about these men and identified ways that my colleagues and I can help. The men (and women) we met during the project (which ended in 2010) value their children, the women and men in their lives, marriage, education, and on. And they all know they are at a serious disadvantage to providing their children the lives they want them to have.

Throughout the project I had many opportunities to reflect about my own father and his fathers and grandfathers. I gained more compassion and understanding for him as I began to experience the heart-felt conference that these disadvantaged men had for their children. The lessons I learned about life from my father as well as the desire to achieve and help other men become more loving, trustworthy, and responsible father were a hidden asset that I brought to the project.

There is much work to do to help these poor fathers in Philadelphia 'reverse the ripple effect' of disempowerment, disconnection, and broken hearts. Patrick Moynihan, senator from New York who worked on the original 'welfare' legislation warned Congress about the long term impact of the unwritten, but clear, policy called 'no man in the house' - there would be no welfare payments if an able-bodied man is in the home with the mother. He was right.

CFR has established the Center for the Advancement of Relationship Education with a Fatherhood Initiative to provide training and support for the growing number of fatherhood education and development programs. On this Father's Day 2011, I thank my father for his leadership within the military where he helped many young men achieve more than they could expect and for giving me the knowledge, skills, and sense of purpose that will continue to guide my work with the Fatherhood Initiative.

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