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Raising "Good Children"

Nancy DePaul, MSW & Frances McInerney, PhD
March 5, 2007

Raising good, decent, responsible children is one of the most challenging and important tasks that parents face. Indeed, as therapists in the role of working with children and their families, one of our most frequently heard concerns is about raising “good children.” Is there a way to contribute to the growth of the child within the family so that when they become adolescents/young adults they are prepared to leave home with a sense of social competence, empathy, and a moral/spiritual core? Without the proverbial “instruction manual,” are there guidelines or principles that might provide a map to help parents in the journey of raising their children to be good, moral citizens of strong character whose respect for others grows out of self-respect?

Fortunately, we can construct a map from the research of developmental psychologists who work in the fields of attachment and moral development. Because, as in all areas of human development, the qualities necessary for good character are rooted in the early love relationship between parent and child. It begins in the nurturance, mirroring, and affection of the first years of the child’s life and is balanced by the addition of discipline and limit setting from the toddler years onward. Security, trust, empathy, and a good sense of self arise from an abundance of unconditional love in the early years, whereas self-discipline, respect for others, and a sense of justice grow from fair and consistent limit setting. Combined, these qualities provide the foundation for moral development to occur in the everyday encounters between children and their caregivers.

The work of Piaget and Kohlberg addresses the stages that children and adolescents travel through to reach a mature level of moral reasoning and it is the knowledge of these stages that allows a parent to meet their child at their own level and talk to them in a way that makes sense to them. Some examples from different stages might be helpful in illustrating ways to meet children at their own developmental level. (Thomas Lickona in Raising Good Children offers a wonderful way of explaining how each stage holds a wider, more complete way of making sense of the world and how children go from a self-centered place in the world to one that balances multiple perspectives.)

The first stage includes the thinking of four-and-a-half to five-and-a-half year olds, where the world is structured in terms of rules and authority. “Might makes right” and what’s right is what grown-ups tell you to do. Further, the reason to do what you’re told is you could get in trouble if you don’t. It’s simple, because although a five year old can see more than one viewpoint, they think that only one is really right. Rules and authority aren’t internalized yet so there is no understanding that rules are about relationships and being able to live together peaceably and in fairness. What, then, does adjusting your expectations to this developmental level look like? First, it’s about being the authority that they expect us to be. Kindly, but firmly, a request is made and an explanation is given.

In case the five year old who steals a toy from a friend, lies about their behavior, or treats another child cruelly, it is important not just to come down with a harsh punishment, but to discuss the situation, and understand the reason behind the behavior. The next step might include gently challenging their thinking to prepare the child for the next stage of reasoning. But then, in meeting the five-year-old’s need for authority, it is also important to say that the behavior is wrong, based on religious reasons or family values of honesty, truth, or kindness.

The next stage of development is akin to the rules of the marketplace, where children begin to question, with greater self-interest, the reason to behave. This level of reasoning is evident by age seven, and remnants of it are still around in adolescence (and later!). An eight year old might question what value being good has to further their own benefit, balanced with an interest in being fair to those who are fair to you. Family life with a child at this stage of moral development is often marked by a daily dialogue between child and parent as to what is or isn’t fair. This child’s behavior often resembles that of a “masterful” salesperson negotiating the terms of a deal where the deal doesn’t close until the child argues the parent into giving something in exchange for completing a chore such as walking the dog, or doing the dishes. Success at this stage is determined by the parents’ ability to keep a sense of humor (“this stage too shall pass”), while maintaining a sense of respectful authority. Also, it is helpful to remember that the skills of negotiation and fair bartering learned in this stage are critical to the art of cooperation and conflict resolution that are a part of being a well-functioning adult. Some parents have described how their spiritual/religious beliefs have helped their child move beyond the “what’s in it for me” stage to a more altruistic, generous Stage 3. For example, one mother described how she introduced the idea of her child talking to God about her problems. Her daughter then told her how she was trying to be fairer to her sister because God has asked her to and she valued his opinion of her.

The stage that often reminds parents of the power of peer relationships is Stage 3, often referred to as the “good girl, good boy” stage. At this level, starting in middle school and going into adolescence, the student is focused on being nice so they will be well thought of, and they can think well of themselves. Qualities associated with good character are valued, reputation becomes important, and it is the stage where a genuine mutuality is first seen, without the thought to what I might get out of it. Because of changes in the way the young adolescent can reason about things, this mutuality becomes a cornerstone for their understanding and their behavior impacts others on an emotional level. Parent and child conflicts arise because of the adolescent’s interest in loyalty to their peers, often at the expense of time spent with family. What are some ways to keep the interest and attention of the reluctant adolescent and influence their ongoing moral development? Entering their world with curiosity and without judgment will keep lines of communication open. Listening to their dreams, thoughts, fears, and hopes without offering advice gives them space to explore the world outside the family unit without being disloyal. And when you’ve finally gotten the family together around the dinner table, entering into a discussion about current events (family, local, or international) can provide a forum for moral viewpoints and discussions. Sharing moral dilemmas that parents encounter in their daily lives can sharpen the adolescent’s moral awareness, and model standards. Parents as moral authorities offer a secure base to foster independent thinking and acting as adolescents are exposed to a variety of values and ways of behaving.

Although the map we have been discussing doesn’t guarantee the destination we are seeking, it is comforting to have a measure in how we are doing. Realistically, our children may face any number of stressors in their lives, such as the difficult terrain of divorce, learning problems in school, or the death of a loved one. By remaining emotionally present to a child and working through the feelings associated with the event, a child’s character may actually become stronger and more resilient. Where there are concerns, a consultation with a professional from the school, religious, or mental health system may offer an objective view of the situation. The journey from the self-centeredness of the young child to the interdependent, empathic adult interested in the well-being of others in the community is an awesome one to watch, and more so to be a part of. But no work offers greater satisfaction or reward than participation in that journey.

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Nancy DePaul, MSW is the director of CFR’s Concordville office and a Senior Staff Therapist. She can be reached at 610-558-4060 ext. 1. Frances McInerney, PhD is a Senior Staff Therapist in CFR’s Concordville office. She can be reached at 610-558-4060 ext 2.

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