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Two Critical Questions
to Help your Relationship

Dr. Stephen R. Treat
July 30, 2007

In the process of couples’ dynamics, it is common to attribute blame and responsibility for the difficulty in the relationship to a partner/spouse. Direct confrontation such as “It’s all your fault!” or a blame list like, “These are all the things you do wrong...” or justifying one’s behavior with comments like, “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t do X...,” are all common aspects of couples’ communication. Unfortunately, such attribution and rationalization greatly contributes to poor communication and especially undermines healthy process between two equal partners, since it positions one as the “victim.”

Healthy process garners the notion that people, at least partially, are creators - not victims - of the dynamics they experience. We all play a role in the drama of our life/relationship. Reflection and self-responsibility are the essential tools that are necessary for change. It’s not easy though. This is the part where most people stumble and where a therapist can help by asking important questions in a safe setting where couples come to explore themselves, each other, and their relationship.

But there are things you can do yourself – right now. There are two very straightforward questions you can ask yourself, and when answered sincerely they can move most destructive relationship challenges toward healing and change for the better. First, ask yourself “What am I doing to contribute to the problem and how can I change my behavior?” When asked and answered by both partners, this always creates a new direction. Second, ask yourself “Is my current behavior creating closeness or distance in the relationship?” If the answer is distance (which, oftentimes, is indeed the answer for many of us), you need to reevaluate the way you are relating and communicating with your partner.

Keep in mind that there is a difference between content and process. Content is the information you want to communicate to your partner. Process is how you go about communicating/relating. Continue to ask yourself the two questions above, and continue to strive towards connection, closeness and intimacy in all of your interactions together. It’s not easy – it takes work – and much effort, self-restraint and thoughtfulness – but it can change your life.

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Dr. Stephen R. Treat is CEO and Director of Council for Relationships. He is a Senior Therapist, Speaker, Teacher and regular contributor to TV, Radio and Newspaper programs. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3123.

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