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Plan For Sex

John J. Musewicz, JD, MS
October 17, 2005

It is unfortunate how many couples will regularly go without sex, if sex cannot be spontaneous. Indeed, it is somewhat surprising that high-functioning people who plan everything in their lives from dinner with in-laws to movies and parties with friends, can balk at the idea of planning to have a regular sexual encounter with their mate. Why sex must be spontaneous, i.e. random and unplanned, to be meaningful, special and pleasurable is not rational and, one might suggest, fundamentally immature. If scheduling and planning are appropriate for a summer vacation or a Thanksgiving dinner, there is no apparent reason why the same should not follow for sex. In fact, one wonders if sexual spontaneity is some primitive instinct that has outlived its usefulness in modern, western society? 

Not quite so fast. It has now been demonstrated that new love with an underlying sexual passion affects the chemistry in the brain allowing a dopamine surge that usually can be experienced for the first 6-24 months of a relationship. (Often it is the desire for this narcotic-like effect that can entice the most loyal of spouses into a romantic affair.) While brain chemistry similar to that initial surge can reoccur in a long-term relationship in response to the absence of a mate due to a long distance separation or an extended business trip, ordinarily the brain chemistry that undergirds regularly spontaneous, passionate sex has at the extreme about a two-year life cycle. Yet, sexual intimacy remains crucial to keeping a relationship energized well beyond that two year period. Not making time for sex can undermine even the best of relationships; just waiting for sex to happen can be a recipe for disaster. 

The three most important elements of a strong couples bond are respect, trust and intimacy. Sexual (and emotional) intimacy is a crucial mainstay of the relationship. However, all too many marriages become virtually devoid of sex within the first three to four years. (Research indicates that 40% of couples who divorce, divorce during the first four years of marriage, and low or no sex is the number one reason.) Many become low sex marriages and others become no-sex marriages in which sexual encounters seldom occur more than ten times a year. (Interestingly, in 90% of these cases it is the male who has decided to stop having sex.) 

On the surface, it appears that both men and women often become so busy with work and social activities, or children, they consider themselves too fatigued and frustrated to be spontaneous about sex. Rather than taking steps to ensure regular sex with their partner, each may begin to fall into a pattern of making themselves less sexually attractive or available. Which brings me back to my original inquiry, why is it that no matter how busy couples are they can find time to plan and schedule a myriad of events but don't seem able to make the same commitment to scheduling and planning for sex? Put another way, is the claim that sex should always be spontaneous an excuse for not being sexual with a partner? Why are couples often so willing to forego the supportive effects sexual intimacy provides to a relationship? Is it the absence of the dopamine surge or an indication of more serious issues in the relationship? 

Experience suggests that a good rule of thumb for couples in long-term relationships is that both partners have a right to expect that sex will occur at least once a week, and that both have a responsibility to ensure it will-even if it means scheduling and planning. Such a commitment involves more than going through the motions. It necessarily means taking the time to ensure that sex is not only physically satisfying but also that sex psychically supports all or most all of the other aspects of the relationship. What do I mean by taking the time? Regular sex should include playful touching, affectionate touching, sexual touching, sexual pleasuring, erotic techniques and afterplay which serves as an emotionally nurturing transition period back to life's other responsibilities. Don't climax and run. Pleasurable and relationship-supportive sex is far more than mere genital manipulation. It is not for the immature and faint of heart. In short, do plan and schedule sex. And take your time - life will wait.

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John J. Musewicz, JD, MS is a Senior Staff Therapist in CFR's Wynnewood, PA and Voorhees and Pitman, NJ offices. He can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 5.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.