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Parent-Adolescent Conflict: Renegotiating the Relationship

Gina Neri, MA, NCC
August 26, 2011

Do you find yourself wondering "Why are my teenager and I butting heads so much?" While it's certainly challenging, it also makes sense that this time is so turbulent. Adolescents' transitional years include the development of physical, cognitive, social and emotional change. These alterations often collide with the relationship that was once effective, and enjoyed, between parent and young child.

How can a parent grow with their adolescent? Increasing the adolescent's accountability and responsibility at home may be helpful. Allow your child to create boundaries in their lives. Have them participate in the construction of rules and consequences for inappropriate behavior. Ask them what their examples of inappropriate behavior are; what justifies punishment, and the hierarchy of punishment. For example, is receiving a D in a class punishable by grounding? If poor school performance continues, should car privileges then be revoked? This will increase feelings of self-governance. Autonomy has been found to increase adolescents' school performance and self-esteem. Furthermore, harmony and mutual understanding will be created between parent/guardian and child since the adolescent feels in control and positively regarded.

Sometimes, parents feel like they're talking to a brick wall when discussing things with their teen. It can feel like a one way conversation. Asserting power or imposing fault onto the child results in an argumentative disagreement and consequently resistance to change. Clearly explaining the reasons for reprimand are vital to clear verbal exchange and healthy relationships. Ask yourself "Am I explaining what the behavior was that was negative and why I think it was wrong?" Be receptive to your adolescent's opinion and perspective. This can open up the lines of communication. Have you stopped to listen to what your child feels/thinks about the situation instead of trying to impose your thoughts? Being more open to their thoughts will not only bridge the gap between parent and teen but will also teach them the concept of mutual respect, tolerance and understanding. Equality in any relationship can be obtained if we:

• remain thoughtfully and calmly engaged in an argument,
• clearly explain our stance,
• allow the other to take his/her stance,
• acknowledge their legitimate position and consider changing your initial position.

You might be thinking, "But I'm the parent, I know what's best." Adolescents often have an unwillingness to comply with parental rules. Once more, conflict is fueled by the manner in which we fight. If we are confronted by a hostile clerk at the food store and react with hostility, then the environment will be engulfed with conflict. Chances are, you will purposely avoid that clerk, change stores or exchange evil looks when your paths cross. However, approaching your child with your perspective and asking him/her to clearly communicate their feelings/thoughts will increase the likelihood of a quick, positive resolution. Listening to your child's response may make you aware of his/her recent battle with adversity and the lingering effects causing spillover into your relationship. He or she may confide in you about a recent blow to their self-esteem or recent battle with a dear friend. This not only puts a halt to a potential fight but often opens up the doors to communication and closeness. Your initial position will then be superseded by an altered experience of understanding and empathy.

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Gina Neri, MA, NCC is a Staff Therapist at CFR's Voorhees, NJ office and can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 9.

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