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Non-Violent Resistance: Guidelines for the Parents of Children with Violent or Self-Destructive Behaviors

Haim Omer and Uri Weinblatt
June 12, 2006 

The phenomenon of the child with aggressive behaviors constitutes a difficult challenge for parents and professionals. Such children are characterized by extreme argumentativeness, angry outbursts, constant threats and physical violence. The common denominator of these behaviors is the attitude: "I'm the boss." This attitude is central to the violent child. 

Parents learn that various ways of coping with their child (even those suggested to them by professionals) are ineffectual. Their experience shows that if they try to fight back by means of scolding, shouting, threats and punishments, not only does the child respond in kind; he is liable to behave worse than before. On the other hand, when parents submit to the child's demands, they become increasingly more extreme. In this state of affairs, the home, which is supposed to be a safe haven for the family, turns into a grim battlefield on which parents and child are locked in an unending struggle. If this situation continues for a long period, parents find themselves exhausted and ready to retreat. 

It is not surprising that parents opt for submission in order to get some peace and quiet. However, experience teaches us that this is short-lived. It soon becomes apparent that submission leads to ever-greater demands. This process perpetuates, strengthens and accelerates itself. Parents see themselves as having no way out and despite their efforts become involved in a vicious circle of submission >> the child's increasing demands >> the arousal of parental hostility >> the child's increasingly hostile retaliation >> ad infinitum. In such a climate, violence dictates almost all behavior of both the child and the parent. 

It is possible to differentiate between two types of escalation:

• Reciprocal escalation (where hostility engenders hostility)

• Complementary escalation (where parental submission increases the child's demands). 

When the child's behavior escalates (for example, when he threatens, shouts, has a tantrum or strikes out when he doesn't get what he wants), the parents generally respond by giving in or trying to impose their authority by force. Unfortunately, these two kinds of behavior prod the child to continued escalation. Reciprocal escalation appears when the parent tries to impose his authority by force or when he reacts to the child's expressions of violence in kind (threatening, cursing, shouting, imposing harsh punishments, hitting). The child in turn reacts to the parents' behavior with even more aggressive behavior. The second type of escalation is asymmetrical and appears when the parent gives in to the child and transmits the message that he is weak and cannot cope with the child's outbursts. The child then develops the security that he can get what he wants by threats and violence. Unfortunately, both types of escalation fuel one another: the more the parent submits, the more frustrated and angry he becomes, and the closer to a violent outburst. In addition, the more violent the mutual outbursts, the more frightening they become, until the parent reaches the point where he is ready to submit. In such an atmosphere of constant escalation, it is no wonder that parents are less and less able to express or even feel love for their child. 

Non-violent Resistance

Non-violent resistance is the tool that will allow parents to stop the child's destructive behavior without engendering escalation. This will create a home atmosphere that will allow closeness and love to be expressed. 

We define non-violent resistance as a series of activities that convey the message - "I am no longer prepared to continue with this situation, and I will do anything in order to change it - except attack you physically or verbally." 

Non-violent resistance is characterized by the following principles: 

1. A firm stand on important demands and a willingness to act with determination to prevent the destructive behaviors of the child.

2. Absolute avoidance of any use of physical or verbal violence, that is, hitting, swearing, threatening or accusing. 

Non-violent resistance is what gives parents a moral and practical basis to exhibit parental presence and supervise the child 's actions. Furthermore, non-violent resistance weakens escalation and even prevents it. 

We think it is important to stress that the purpose of acting non-violently is to restore and re-establish parental presence. We believe that firm parental presence is the chief means of building a good relationship with your children. The parental authority we aim for is not based on the parent being physically stronger than the child, but on his being determined to be on his side and at his side. The more you establish your parental presence, the greater will be the chances that your child will abandon destructive patterns and a dialogue will once again be established between you. 

This is an excerpt from the following book:

	Non-Violent Resistance: A New Approach to Violent and Self-destructive Children Haim Omer and Uri Weinblatt.

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Dr. Uri Weinblatt is a Staff Therapist at CFR's Paoli office and a leading expert on the topic of Non-Violent Resistance. He works internationally with children, families, schools and other organization to help foster this approach. He can be reached at 610-889-0419 ext. 8.

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