Home > Helpful Resources > Tip of the Week Articles

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

New Year, New Changes

Kerstin Miller, MDiv, LMFT
January 14, 2008

It is the beginning of the New Year. For many of us, this is the time we take to evaluate the last year. What went well, what did not go so well? We take time to think about our lifestyle, our relationships and ourselves. We contemplate changes we would like to make, and decide on our New Year's resolutions.

As you look at magazines this time of the year, you find that New Year's resolutions often focus on changing old, "bad habits." Articles are filled with tips and recommendations on how to "stick to your diet for good," "how to stop smoking" or "how to discipline your spending." Those are all good goals. But didn't we try that last year? And didn't we find out that it was much harder than we thought?

Let's take a moment to understand what makes changing "bad habits" so challenging.

It will be easier for us to change old bad habits if we understand what they are and why they are there in the first place. Why do we eat too much at certain times - although we know better? Why is it so difficult not to get angry with our spouse or the children - although we know better? In some sense, all behaviors, even the "bad habits" serve us. They make sense when we look at them as our learned ways to cope with underlying emotions. They may not be effective and healthy ways to deal with emotions (that's why we consider changing them), but they are our old, long learned ways to cope.

Emotions come and go all day long. Emotions are there; we do not have a choice about that. We have to regulate and manage them all the time. Sometimes this is obvious, sometimes it is very subtle. Sometimes we are conscious about our emotions, and very often we are not. Sometimes we dare to feel our emotions, and other times we defend ourselves from uncomfortable feelings by choosing to not be aware of them. Old habits are behaviors that function as defenses that protect us from feeling uncomfortable emotions. We might overeat when we are anxious or stressed because it helps us temporarily not to feel the anxiety. It soothes the anxiety, and it gives us something to do when we feel helpless. We might get angry with our spouse, although the underlying emotion is actually another one - maybe hurt, guilt or shame. The old habit of getting angry protects us from feeling our own uncomfortable feelings. It protects us from being vulnerable. The old habit helps us to feel safer, because it would be more risky to feel vulnerable.

If the behaviors that we call "bad habits" are there to protect us, it is not surprising that they are so difficult to let go. Who wants to stand without protection? The rational and strict side of ourselves might say: it's a new year, let's be disciplined from now on, let's not do this again! But the vulnerable part of ourselves does not feel comforted by this strict parental tone and will retreat to the old ways in order to feel safe and comforted. The 3 year old inside each and every one of us will find a way to the cookie jar! If old habits are coping mechanisms to regulate our emotions then it makes sense that we cannot just cut them out, because we need to cope. Still, it is a good goal that we want to modify or replace them with coping mechanisms that are better for us and better for our relationships.

As the awareness of our emotions seems to be most important for the process of change, let's consider how we could create more space in everyday life to pay attention to our inner emotional life.

I recommend that you take the time, three times a day, to check in with yourself. Wherever you are, make yourself comfortable for a moment, take a couple of deep breaths, feel yourself and ask: how am I feeling? Do not judge yourself or criticize your feelings -just observe! Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. If you like to journal you might find it helpful to write your observations down. If you don't like to write, then don't. The main idea is to slow down - just for a moment - and be aware!

As you start to observe how you are feeling you might notice two things. First, this is a rewarding project. As you pay more attention to feelings that you otherwise might have rushed over, you discover more of your rich emotional life. Feeling more might open your heart to feeling more gratitude, joy, meaning, or energy. And second, you might find this to be a courageous project. You might get to notice emotions that you would rather not like to feel, uncomfortable feelings like loneliness, guilt, shame or anger that you had not been aware of before. The good news is that your awareness increases your options. You can now ask yourself: what is it that I need? How can I comfort myself? How can I shift this emotion to a more bearable one? How can I take responsibility for this emotion and soothe myself in a healthy way? Do I need to sleep or to exercise? Do I need time by myself or do I need to reach out to talk with a friend?

With more awareness of what you really need and want, you can respond to yourself more clearly, and you can take care of yourself in a much more caring way, mobilizing all your internal and external resources. Your new caring responses to yourself are your new habits replacing the old ones!

We did not get rid of our old habits with the authoritarian "Stop-it-now!" approach last year, because the underlying emotions were probably not addressed. Maybe we can facilitate some change this year through being observant, aware and caring. Just give it a try - check in with yourself, see/hear/feel what you're going through, tell yourself it's ok, and ask yourself what you need. It will be an ongoing process, and not always easy, but very much worth the effort.

---

Kerstin Miller, MDiv, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist. She is an Anger Management Class leader and practices in CFR's Paoli and Concordville offices. She can be reached at 610-889-0419 ext. 6.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.