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Negative Attributions in Raising Our Children

Judith Rader, MA, LMFT
May 29, 2005

Often when their children's behavior disappoints them, parents' feelings of exasperation, upset, and anger cause them to blurt out negative attributions. "You're lazy . . . why can't you remember to bring the garbage cans in?" "You're so forgetful . . . why can't you remember to turn off the lights at night?" "How can you be so ungrateful? After all the errands I do for you, why didn't you come home right after school, as I had asked, so you could sign for the package delivery?" 

While giving voice to negative attributions (of laziness, forgetfulness, ungratefulness, etc.) rarely brings about the desired change in children's behavior, it often leads to parent/child conflict or withdrawal, as children grapple with various feelings of upset including inadequacy/shame, confusion, and anger.

What exactly are negative attributions - and why are they so problematic? Negative attributions are negative pictures that we have of others. They are developed over time, through repeated interpretations of another's actions as having a negative motive. Negative attributions do great harm to relationships, since they cross a boundary into the mind and intention of another. 

In fact, we can never truly know another's motive without checking out our assumption with them. But often when parents feel let down by their children's behaviors, they short-circuit that step -- instead negatively labeling their children's motives (as lazy, inconsiderate, or the like). Research has shown that people tend to interpret behaviors in a way which fits their expectation of others - a tendency towards "confirmation bias". So the danger over time is that our children are unable to separate themselves from the negative image that parents may have developed (and confirmed) of them.

For example, 16 year-old Tom has recently been assigned the task of bringing the garbage cans in off the street every Friday evening before going out with his friends. He remembered this chore for the first four weeks, but on the fifth week he forgot. His mother, who had developed a negative attribution of him as lazy, confronts him saying, "Why can't you follow through on anything? I should have known after a few weeks you'd go back to your lazy ways."

What happens to Tom when he hears this negative attribution? He may get confused - because maybe he truly had simply forgotten. He doesn't feel "lazy" - because he feels he does a lot of positive things for his family, studies hard, and has a small part-time job. But he begins to doubt himself. 

Or, perhaps Tom becomes angry and defensive towards his mother exclaiming, "I am not lazy!" Though he feels he cannot defend his actions of not bringing in the garbage cans (after all, he did forget), he is angry because the attribution of "laziness" doesn't fit for him - nor does it seem fair.

Or perhaps Tom becomes resentful, thinking to himself, "Why bother trying to help with the chores? Of course, I'll make a mistake once in a while. And all I'll hear about is how lazy I am when I occasionally forget." The danger here is that Tom may become careless about doing the chore -- not taking it to heart, as he senses that he'll be targeted/hurt when he makes the occasional mistake.

Or, perhaps Tom feels confused and guilty. On some level he may have been "testing" how serious his mother was with this new chore. After all, in the past, his parents had asked him to do chores. But they never seemed to take notice one way or the other if they got done. And his parents seemed to readily assume the chores themselves in time.

Tom may have had any of a number of other reactions to his mother's negative attribution of his laziness surrounding the garbage cans chore. The bottom line is that if his mother can pull back her negative attribution, and deal with the issue rather than the negative characterization of her son, she'll be poised to more readily resolve the problem. And she and Tom will avoid unnecessary conflict.

What are the steps in pulling back negative attributions? First, try to replace negative attributions with positive attributions. Assume that your son or daughter means well, and wants to please. "He's a good kid who may have forgotten", for example. Research has shown that children (like all of us) respond much more favorably to positive reinforcement than to negative reinforcement. 

Treat the transgression as an act - and not as a motive. Don't "sum up" your child by interpreting her motive. Instead, confront her on the behavior. Ask her what her understanding of the failure was. Explain your disappointment with her action/lack of action, but not with her. And remember to give her appreciations (positive reinforcement) when she follows through.

Children may be looking for the "easy way out" - to see if their parents "really mean it" when they assign tasks or set limits. If your child does test your resolve, firmly communicate that you are serious. Explain the consequences for non-compliance. Keep it short and to the point. And DO enforce the consequences. Parents' power lies in their upholding of consequences -- and not in yelling or blaming.

Back to Tom. His mother is rightfully disappointed that he failed to do his chore. She might say, "Tom, I appreciate your contributing to the household chores the last few weeks. I noticed that you didn't bring the garbage cans in last evening. What happened?" If he responds that he forgot, she can tell him that she understands - but that he needs to figure out a way to follow through each week without forgetting. She can give suggestions; but the bottom line is that he may not go out with friends on Friday evenings until he performs his chores. She must vow to herself that in the coming weeks she will notice if he's done his chore before agreeing to his leaving the house. (All of the above will be even more powerful if she gets her husband to share in the conversation and the enforcement of discipline. Parents who work in concert around discipline issues usually experience faster and more lasting positive change).

The key is to separate motives from behavior. If we assume positive intentions in our children, and firmly enforce consequences for their negative actions, we will more successfully protect our relationships with our daughters and sons, as we guide them towards responsible and caring behaviors.

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Judith Rader, MA, LMFT is a Senior Therapist and practices at CFR's Wynnewood and Bryn Mawr offices. She can be reached at 610-642-2648 x2.

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