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Arguing Over Money: What's the Real Issue

Interview with Margaret Shapiro, LCSW
March 6, 2006

Money is one of the biggest sources of arguments among couples. But money may not be the real subject at all, according to Margaret Shapiro, a licensed Clinical Social Worker, founding director of the Couples Communication Program and an assistant director of CFR's University City office. Couples may be fighting over issues of power, trust, priorities and commitment. Money can evoke powerful feelings of (in)adequacy, (in)security, and feeling (un)loved. Drawing from her 25 years experience, Ms. Shapiro gives great insight on how couples can overcome conflicts that arise when dealing with money.

Where does money rank in terms of what causes problems in relationships?

From my experience, money ranks number one. Two prominent researchers, Howard Markman and Scott Stanley from the University of Denver, have done a study and found that at every stage of marriage people fought about money more than about careers, in-laws, chores, communication or children (Stanley and Markman, 1997, copyright PREP, Inc.).

What makes money such a difficult issue for couples?

Money is such a powerful and important subject in our culture and has so many hidden meanings including: feeling loved and cared about, feeling competent, feeling safe and secure, accepted, acknowledged and empowered - all of which are core issues. These feelings are difficult to talk about directly. They often emerge as fights about a bill, a parking ticket, a gift, a secret savings or checking account, or about how one spouse does or doesn't keep track of checks. Money is real, but it's also a symbol and a metaphor. A good example is an engagement ring. What does it mean to have a big ring, small ring, no ring, a ring passed down in a family, or one put on a credit card. There is no right answer, but it's important for couples to talk about what it means for each of them.

Can you share an example where money became an issue for a couple and what they did to resolve the issue?

I worked with a couple where the 68 year-old husband was about to retire. He had inherited two million dollars the year before when his 95 year-old father died. His 55 year-old wife got furious at him for wanting to stop working. She said he was being lazy. They had a successful restaurant business together and she thought he was just giving up on it. It turned out that the 68 year-old man had worked since he was 18. He had never had a real vacation. He had spent his life thinking about work. He was looking forward to spending some time with his wife, traveling, relaxing, and maybe owning a second home somewhere and not having their whole lives revolve around work. She had become successful at work at age 50. She loved working and wanted to continue to grow the business. As they talked together it took a while before they each realized what different things the business and the inheritance meant to each of them. And it took a while longer before they could negotiate. He began to understand why the business was so important to her, and explained to her that it didn't mean he was getting lazy, but that he wanted to do different things with her. He wanted to take adventures with her and explore more of the world, while she felt that the business was like their child and did not feel it was ready to be on its own. To her it was the glue that held them together and she wanted to keep it going together. It's an interesting example, because people often think if you inherit two million dollars your problems are solved. The meaning of money is just so different to people. What I've found is that it isn't a matter of how much or how little you have, it is more what money signifies to you at a particular time in your life.

What about situations where a person puts the couple's financial security at stake?

It usually reflects one of the partners feeling insecure or incompetent about him or herself or about the relationship. It reflects partners not being able to talk about what they are really feeling in a safe calm manner. One partner may not feel committed to the relationship, or one may feel too controlled and treated like a child, or one may feel unloved or betrayed and money can be used as a weapon for revenge. Putting the financial security of a relationship at stake is serious and puts the emotional commitment in question. Talking about it together, usually with help from a therapist, can help.

Have you come across any couples who completely turned around? What helped their transformation?

Yes. What they do is they talk to each other about their thoughts, feelings and behavior about money. They talk about what money meant to them growing up in their families and how their parents discussed and managed money, Then they talk about the impact of their earlier financial history and experiences on their current relationship. They realize that money secrets are really dangerous to a relationship. Next they try to negotiate a plan, a new way of acting and managing their spending and saving that they can both agree to and where both partners feel treated respectfully. People feel much closer and more intimate when they can talk about hard subjects, but it takes some time and it's difficult to do.

Have you ever come across a couple where one tries to save and invest and the other just does not want to save?

Yes. I worked with a couple where the husband wanted to save everything for retirement, and the wife was determined to redo the family room: big TV, new furniture, and new carpet. He thought that was a waste of time and money, and they just kept fighting and fighting about this. When I slowed them down and asked each of them why their idea was so important, she said, "The kids are teenagers. So many kids get into so much trouble as teenagers and I want this house to be a really nice comfortable safe place for them to bring their friends home." When I asked him, he said, "I want to invest everything I can, so I can retire at 62 and still have enough money to travel or do whatever we wish. I don't want to spend my whole life working like my father did. He worked until he was 80 and six months later he died, and he had no time to enjoy his wife and family."

When they could each understand that really they both wanted to enjoy their family, they could work together to do both things, invest for retirement and redo the family room. She could understand that he didn't want to be like his father, and wanted to enjoy his family and especially her in retirement. And he could understand that she didn't just want to spend the money to be like the neighbors, but that she really had a legitimate reason for wanting the kids to be comfortable and safe at home. They made a very good plan to work together so they could do both. He helped her shop for the family room and not buy top of the line, and she decided to return to work part time and invest in the business' retirement plan, so it wasn't all on him. It totally turned around this fight they had been having for the past year and a half.

In new relationships, at what point do you start talking about money and sharing information?

That is a hard question, but if you can talk about a future or where the relationship is going, then you can talk about money. You don't need to talk about exactly what is in your checking account, but maybe you begin to talk about how you share dating expenses, or you talk about how you view credit cards. Perhaps one person has 14 credit cards and maxes them all out, while the other person has one, pays it all off every month, and cannot tolerate any unnecessary debt.

I've worked with couples that have had very different ideas about how to deal with credit cards and debt. Some couples think 'your debt is our debt', and one person may want to pay off the other's student loans. But perhaps the person's whose debt it is says, "wait a minute, that's my debt, I've been paying it off for five years, I've been doing fine with it. I don't want you taking over my life that way." It can be a long discussion of what yours and what's mine, even if we're married. It's really about setting boundaries. They're talking about debt, but they're really talking about boundaries.

The important thing is there is not a right way or a wrong way. It's about respecting each other' and negotiating together how you deal with money. If couples have very different feelings and views about money from the beginning it usually indicates they have some major life style and priority differences. It makes sense to talk about these early. Relationships are a financial partnership as well as an emotional and sexual partnership.

If you could give one piece of advice to people about couples and money what would it be?

People need to think about their own relationship with money, what it means, and how it impacts on their other important relationships. We have a lifelong relationship with money. It is a long process to learn how to negotiate financial matters with those who are closest. We have to think about and negotiate finances in all kinds of situations at all different stages of life. It is so important to learn how to talk about money in terms of its emotional significance in a relationship. For example, "Not having my own checking account makes me feel like I'm being treated like a child and that I need to account for every cup of coffee I buy." 

A certain amount of money is essential for survival. But money is also a tool to enhance life and make it more fun and rewarding. It is not an end in itself and it cannot guarantee health, love, safety, competence, self-esteem or any of the things that are truly important. I try to help couples remember that they are in charge of money; money doesn't control them. Decide together what you want your life to look like and then use money as a tool, not a goal.

Interview conducted by Vanguard Funds, and reprinted with their permission.

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Margaret Shapiro, LCSW is Assistant Director of CFR's University City office and a Senior Staff Therapist. She can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3110.

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