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Money and Couples

Margaret Shapiro, LCSW
June 13, 2005

Disagreements over money are the number one problem for couples in America according to a poll by Markman and Stanley from the University of Denver. Arguments about kids, in-laws, work and sex are still up there, but money has topped the list at all stages of marriage. Couples have problems communicating and negotiating about financial matters because money is such a loaded issue. Money often symbolizes much of what adults crave: success, power, control, respect, acknowledgement, competence, security, protection, safety, independence, and feeling loved and cared for. There is no doubt that money is a reality and is a necessity to live in the world, but it is not in itself success, competence or happiness. And it is all too often a metaphor for emotional needs. 

Many arguments that seem to be about money are actually about much deeper issues that are difficult to verbalize or to discuss directly. A disagreement that frequently emerges for couples early in their marriage is the matter of having joint or separate checking and savings accounts. While both partners are working and sharing expenses it may not be much of a problem, but when one partner earns much more, or when a baby appears and one partner stops working full time, it is crucial to stop and discuss how money is going to be managed. Talking in advance about how decisions will be made, what will be joint and what will be individual decisions, and how the finances will be organized, will help both partners feel more involved, respected and equal. When these discussions do not happen, one partner often makes assumptions that are not shared by the other and there is trouble down the road. 

Let me illustrate with an example. Jim and Laura had been married for ten years and both had good jobs. He was a teacher and coach and she was an attorney for a non-profit organization. They earned about the same amount of money and never had any problem paying their bills. They kept separate accounts and shared expenses, including entertainment and vacations. In their thirties they had a baby and both agreed that Laura would work half time for a few years. Both agreed that their income would be adequate, between their savings and Jim's income. Their problems started over what were seemingly little things like Laura having to ask Jim for money for the baby's shoes or for Gymboree visits. She didn't like feeling she had to ask, but they had no joint account and she couldn't pay for all the little expenses that came up on her half-time salary. Jim had no problem paying but he could not understand why she was always so cranky when she asked. 

When Jim and Laura came to therapy much more came to light. Laura talked about how hard it was for her to feel financially dependent on Jim. She had supported herself since college and had always earned her own spending money as a teenager.. While growing up her father had held it over her head whenever he gave her any money. He had felt that she should work for her allowance, while her mother felt that the kids should be given an allowance without it being tied to chores. Asking Jim for money brought back the feelings she had as a child when she asked her father for lunch money and she always felt he didn't want to give it to her. Jim talked in therapy about how scared he was that he wouldn't earn enough to send the kids to good schools and summer camp. They had never talked together about the expenses of children and how to rearrange their finances so they would both feel comfortable. Moreover, they had no forum or structure to discuss their confusing feelings around finances. Neither Jim nor Laura had realized how complicated their seemingly petty fights were, and how often they brought back feelings they had growing up. 

They agreed to have a joint account for most expenses to enable Laura to feel more in charge. They also agreed that each would keep a small individual account so they could each maintain some autonomy and privacy about things like the cost of haircuts and gifts for each other. During their fifth and final therapy session they commented on how they knew having a baby would change things, but they were surprised how subtly money issues came up when having enough was not the problem. 

Issues around money can have a powerful impact on couples and often brings up past struggles with parents in unexpected ways. Talking about money concerns in a neutral and structured setting can help couples renegotiate and understand so that future battles are avoided.

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Margaret Shapiro, LCSW is Assistant Director of CFR's University City Office and is a Senior Therapist. She can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3110.

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