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Dare to be Prepared to say "I Do!"

George James, Jr., LMFT
March 3, 2008

July 7, 2007 was one of the most popular wedding dates in this century. According to a Time/CNN article, wedding planners started to see a spike in nuptials planned for July 7 as early as 2005. The average number of weddings registered for a regular Saturday in July on www.The Knot.com, a wedding website, was about 12,000. For July 7, The Knot had more than 38,000 registered weddings. According to Time magazine, Carly Roney, Editor in Chief of The Knot believes July 7, 2007 was the biggest wedding day ever, even more than the kick off of the millennium (also huge).

Some couples decided to get married on that date because they think that triple seven is lucky or to remember the date easier or simply because they think it's a cool date. Couples have reported choosing this date because they believe it will help the success of their marriage. We seem to choose to get married on specific dates, whether it is July 7, 2007 or another date, with the hope of having a successful marriage. But how do we go from dating, to engaged, to the "big day," and finally arrive at the desired destination of a successful marriage? Does it have more to do with luck, or preparation or practice? What does it take to make the transition to "happily married?"

Here are some tips to help you make the transition from engaged to being married.

1. Dare to be Prepared
   With the excitement of being engaged, the anxiety of proposing and the joyous thought of spending the rest of your life with your loved one, some couples optimistically and naively believe they are ready and don't need any help. Some couples even think that if they did get help that would be a sign that something is wrong with their relationship. The contrary is actually true. Seeking help, assistance, even guidance with this transition in your life actually makes the statement that says your relationship is important to you and you want to make it the best it can be. So the first step in making this transition is to dare to be prepared - take a class, seek out a therapist for some premarital counseling, spend some time with older couples whose marriages you admire, and listen and learn.

2. Expectations
   The engagement period is filled with expectations. Expectations start with wondering how something will turn out and then filling in the blank with your desire. Some people wonder how he or she will look on the big day, where they will live, how will they divide household chores, or what type of parents will they be? Engaged couples tend to have high expectations about marriage that might be unrealistic, i.e. we will always want to spend all of our time together. In addition, these expectations might not be shared, resulting in two different expectations for the same situation, i.e. She wants to have three children, but he doesn't want any children. So this second tip is for you and your partner to get to know your personal expectations about your marriage and life and then share them with each other. If this results in differences or conflict, having a third party can help you work through the issues and discuss them in a productive manner.

3. Facing your Fears
   Most new life transitions bring fear. This is normal, as we ask ourselves: What will this mean for me? Is he or she the right person for me? Am I making a mistake? Will I be a good husband or wife? Will my partner take advantage of me? Will we be happy? Will our marriage end in divorce? These are just some of the questions that engaged couples often ask themselves as they get closer to marriage. These questions can be triggered by the fear of marriage or the fear of the unknown. How do you handle your fears? Are you willing to face your fears, and are you willing to face them with your partner? As you make this transition, addressing and facing your fears is essential, because it keeps you from reacting to a fear that might not be reality, i.e. I'm afraid my partner will never pay the bills, so I will have to take control of our finances. This third step is acknowledging that you have fears about marriage (as most people do!), figuring out what they are and then discussing them together. Again, if the conversation doesn't come easy and you hit some potholes along the way, don't hesitate to get some help to understand the source of your fears, to help you communicate your fears and to find solutions together.