Home > Helpful Resources > Tip of the Week Articles

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

A Second Look at Low Sexual Desire

Wanda Sevey, MDiv, LMFT
November 9, 2009

Nearly 33% of women in the United States report that they think they have low sexual desire. The distress this causes them and their relationships calls us to take a second look at this problem.

Many couples say they think of sex as something that should happen spontaneously. Sometimes couples assume that if sex is not happening spontaneously that it means they no longer love each other or that there is a serious problem in the relationship. It’s true that sometimes underlying emotional, relationship or physical issues can lessen desire and spontaneity. However, recent research and thinking in the field of sex therapy has pointed us in some new directions concerning lack of desire in a relationship.

Until recently, a person experiencing low sexual desire would likely be told that “sex begins in the brain” with desire, and then would be asked to explore ways to increase sexual fantasies and the amount of time they spend thinking about sex. This approach assumes that we humans want to have sex mostly to fulfill a hunger for sex. If we can create some hunger then we will be more likely to have a sexual experience to satiate that physical hunger.

But we know that sex can have a variety of meanings in a relationship. Couples have sex not only to fulfill a physical need but also to experience pleasure together, to feel emotionally close to each other, to be playful, to relax, to experience a spiritual one-ness or to reduce tension.

Because sex doesn’t always happen to fulfill a physical hunger we also now recognize that sexual experiences don’t necessarily have to begin with a hunger or desire for sex. Sometimes arousal can come first with desire following later. In other words, a couple can approach one another feeling simply receptive toward having a sexual experience for emotional or other reasons, find ways to arouse each other with sensual touching and then following arousal, they can experience a hunger or desire for sex.

Most couples agree that exploring sensual ways to enhance arousal is easier and more enjoyable than trying to generate more thinking about sex. This approach also prevents one partner from being labeled as the one with “the problem” and helps couples work together toward sexual expression that is mutual and enjoyable for them both.

---

Wanda Sevey, MDiv, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist and Acting Director of CFR's New Jersey offices. She can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 1.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.