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Love and Money

Margaret Shapiro, LCSW
October 10, 2003

Arguments about money. Most couples have them. Most therapists deal with them. But what do they really mean? Money means different things to different people: 

• Power 

• Self-esteem 

• Competence 

• Acknowledgement 

• Security 

• Love 

• Commitment 

• Protection 

• Control 

• Independence 

• Love 

Discussions about money are usually also about these other more submerged or hidden issues. It's easier to fight about money than to discuss how we don't feel loved or acknowledged; or how we feel powerless, incompetent or insecure in our relationship.

We can get some interesting insight by looking at a financial symbol for each stage of a couple's life together and discussing the issues this particular symbol may bring up. Let's look at the early life stages: dating seriously, engagement and early marriage. 

The financial symbol for seriously dating is a credit card. Couples rarely talk about their credit card use or debt at this stage of their relationship. It feels rude or inappropriate to ask about their boy (or girl) friend's Visa bill or constant use of plastic, but if they are considering a long term commitment, this is an important discussion. Questions would include: What does debt mean to each of them? How did their family think of and handle debt? How do they each think of using credit cards? How many do they each have? Do they pay the minimum or do they try to get it all paid off? 

Talking about these issues with a therapist allows for clear communication and gives each person a chance to both fully verbalize and hear concerns, questions and thoughts. It is essential that couples in a serious relationship begin to discuss financial issues and have some recognition of both the origin and impact of their own behavior, thoughts and feelings. These guided discussions help couples articulate their individual priorities and begin to think about the importance of negotiation as their relationship progresses.

The financial symbol for engagement is a ring. What does a ring mean to each of them? How important is the price? Does an expensive ring mean more love and commitment? Should it be financed by borrowing money? Should this be a joint decision ? Should either set of parents be involved? What does having a family ring or gem mean to each of them? This discussion never fails to bring up surprising issues for the couple.

The financial symbol for marriage is the wedding. Who will pay for it? How much will it cost? What are the priority expenses and what are nice-to-haves? How are decisions made with two sets of parents? How much can the couple afford on their own? This often brings up the difficulty of being a couple separate from one's parents and of trying to please both sets of parents. Loyalty issues can be very disturbing at this stage.

The financial symbol for the early stage of marriage is the checkbook. The questions are around how to manage finances: shall we have one checkbook or two or three, and what does that all mean? How much privacy should each person have in regard to saving, spending and organizing finances, or should everything always be combined and a joint decision? At this stage family of origin influence becomes more explicit and is often a surprise for each person. The relationship
will be in for a rough journey if financial discussions are not frequent, clear, respectful and focused by this stage. Conversations around conflictual subjects only become more difficult if the couple has not developed skills to communicate, problem solve and negotiate together, before moving on to the family with children stages.

By emphasizing and recognizing the importance of money discussions in a relationship, a therapist can help couples become more accustomed to discussing controversial issues, learn specific skills to communicate and negotiate. Couples will begin to recognize that the true currency of intimacy and trust is participating fully in difficult conversations, where vulnerabilities can be safely shared. Then smart couples truly feel rich.

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Margaret Shapiro, LCSW is Assistant Director of CFR's University City office, and can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3118.

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