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Letting Go: When Your Child Leaves for College

Angela Dello, MSW, LSW
August 18, 2008

Family therapists Carter and McGoldrick (1989) coined the phrase, "launching children and moving on" to describe the stage in a parents life when their young adult child goes off on their own, leaving parents with the sometimes challenging task of "letting go."

It sounds simple. After all, parents have been "letting go" during small and large events all throughout their child's life. For some it began when they dropped him off at day care, or when they let go of her hand as she took her first steps, or when he spent the weekend at mom-mom's, or when she got on the bus for kindergarten/elementary school/camp/high school. However, despite these earlier experiences, after 18 years of parenting when it comes time for the transition to college, it can be very difficult to let go.

It may be helpful to recognize this as a time of ambivalence for all parents. The excitement and joy about all the wonderful opportunities awaiting your child are mixed with waves of nostalgia, and a sense of loss that is tinged with anxiety and worry about how she/he will cope. There is also a sense that the relationship between parent and child is changing and that things will never be quite the same again.

It may be helpful to recognize your child's conflicting emotions as well. Your child, like you, is going through their own roller coaster of emotions. One day they may be shouting "leave me alone" and the next complaining "you're never around when I need you." Your child's ups and downs are a sign of his/her own ambivalence of this transitional time.

What follows are some tips that may help during this life stage:

• Talk with other parents who are going through the same thing.

• Talk to your child about how they want to keep in touch. Most college students prefer to initiate contact.

• Focus on yourself for a while. Pick up an old hobby or start a new one, take that class, join the gym, invest more time in relationships with your spouse/partner, family and friends.

• Some parents, in addition to all their other emotions, look forward with relief to having their child go off to college and feel guilty about this. Don't! It's perfectly normal.

• Also, don't feel guilty if you adjust to your child being away before other parents do. It is not a measure of love or devotion. We are all different.

• Try to appreciate that your child's view of the world is expanding. Avoid power struggles by truly listening to what they have to say. Pick your battles wisely - strive for connection and understanding.

• Be a coach. Rather than trying to solve your child's problems, offer guidance and encouragement when asked.

• Reassure your child that he/she can cope with the college experience and that you will be there for him/her if needed.

• Keep your child informed about changes at home. Whether its getting new furniture or something more serious, like an illness in the family - they need this to feel secure, connected, and maintain a sense of trust.

• Try not to focus conversations on uncertainties in your life. Help your child focus on their new goals and activities.

• Take comfort knowing part of you is going with your child. The foundation you have provided over the past 18 years will always accompany them.

• Your child cares more about what you think than they are likely to let you know. They need you to be their anchor and have patience when they are uncertain, and support them as they chart the course of their own lives.

• Finally, keep a sense of humor.

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Angela Dello, MSW, LSW has professional as well as personal experience on this topic, struggling through her own letting go process with two children in college. She is a Staff Therapist at CFR's Concordville Office and can be reached at 610-558-4060 ext. 8.

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