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Learning to Say "I Love You"

S. Timothy Pretz, DMin, LMFT
November 15, 2004

Here's a common myth for many couples: "As long as we love each other, our relationship will stay strong and healthy". It's based on the idea that, if I find the right person, and really love them, the relationship will take care of itself and we will live "happily ever after". 

The truth about life, and love, is that healthy relationships need regular attention. It's not a sign there is anything wrong with your relationship if you need to work on it-in fact, it's a positive sign that you are willing to invest the effort into something so important. It's a reminder, to you and your partner, of your commitment to each other and the value of your relationship. One way relationships thrive is when partners regularly send messages to each other such as, "I love you", "I like being with you", or "You're important to me". Most of us enjoy getting these messages. And many of us think we send these messages to our partner regularly. 

Problems happen, though, when the message we're trying to send doesn't get through. We might think we're affirming our partner and our relationship, but our efforts might miss the mark, and the relationship suffers because of this. Let me illustrate the problem: If I speak to you in a foreign language, one that I knew but you didn't, how effective would I be? I might understand the concepts completely, and use great illustrations for each point, but if I'm speaking a language you don't understand, my efforts are fruitless. The usual result in this situation is frustration-on both sides of the communication equation! Instead, I need to speak your "love language" for my message to come through clearly. I need to use a medium that will be meaningful to you. Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, identifies these love languages as words of affirmation, time, acts of service, gifts, and touch.

Couples need first to identify their own primary love languages. Often we can discover our partner's love language by listening to what they ask for most-or complain about not getting enough of! Then the challenge is to find ways to send these messages of love using your partner's desired language, rather than your own preferred language. The results of this simple shift can breathe life back into a relationship that has hungered for love, and deepen a relationship that brings increased joy and satisfaction to a couple.

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Dr. Tim Pretz was formerly a Staff Therapist at CFR's University City office, as well as a PAIRS Relationship Skills leader.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.