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The Language of Love

Judith Owens, MA, LMFT
November 17, 2003

A client recently sat in my office, mourning the end of her marriage. "After a while we lost the language of love", she said sadly. "Neither of us realized how much we were hurting each other with all those angry, thoughtless words."

A few days later I sat with another couple struggling to describe their week. "We just seemed more relaxed with each other", he commented. "No, I think we were less relaxed", his partner replied. "I felt more aware and a little more cautious with you. I tried to think before I spoke, and I thought you were doing the same."

These experiences, and many others, have raised my awareness of the importance of everyday conversation in intimate relationships. Like every couples therapist, I'm eager to access the deep, emotional struggles that keep people from the intimacy they yearn for. I help couples work through "family of origin" issues, teach communication skills, explore unresolved conflicts and heal old wounds.

But sometimes the daily "slings and arrows" between intimates have created such pain and defensive blocks, that the partners have no sense of safety to do the therapeutic work that they need to do.

Of course this climate of defensiveness often extends to children, too. Many adults describe a childhood without "I love you's" or verbal encouragement, and full of accusations and rage. Sometimes this kind of history helps us be more aware of the importance of more thoughtful interactions, but sometimes the lack of positive models leaves us without the vocabulary of love.

In all kinds of intimate relationships, loss of trust can lead to constant expressions of anger and contempt. When we feel abandoned or injured, we naturally lose the motivation to take care with our words. We may even want to strike back and injure the person who hurt us so badly. And so by the time we reach a therapist's office, we may have developed a habit of speaking harshly and thoughtlessly.

There is hope and it lies in a family's motivation for change. People come to therapy when they realize they want their relationships to improve. Men and women often say, "We have to do better. This just isn't working they way we're going now."

Being more aware of language and its power to create safety in relationships is one way to "do better". We can take a breath and stop an angry reply. We can be more polite and cautious. We can remember to say, "I love you".

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Judith Owens, MA, LMFT was formerly Director of CFR's New Jersey offices and a Senior Staff Therapist.

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