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Mixed Blessings: Interfaith Couples

Dr. Sabitha Pillai-Friedman
September 15, 2008

As a psychotherapist who offers premarital counseling, I frequently encounter loving couples who seek assessment and counseling before making the big commitment of marriage. Their optimism and hope always inspires and energizes me. I am also impressed that they have chosen to spend time, money and energy on this essential step before committing and embarking on a life together. Most couples worry about different aspects of compatibility such as spending, involvement with friends and family, dividing chores, children, work schedules, etc.But most interfaith couples, unfortunately, often play down the importance of this important difference in their backgrounds. The most common response I hear when I bring up religious differences during premarital counseling is "We are both not very religious. I guess we will adjust." My years of experience as a couples' therapist, and a fair amount of research on marriages, suggest that such an oversight may result in significant difficulty later in the marriage.

What is the reality that faces interfaith couples? Interfaith marriage offers couples an opportunity to blend two religions in many unique ways to create meaningful rituals and traditions. However, it is important for couples to think about their religious differences carefully and realistically. Couples need to bear in mind that even though each of them may not be "religious," their behavior may be influenced by the cultural aspects of their religion. For instance, a non-observant Hindu may still be averse to the idea of bringing beef into the house. It is also possible that an individual's religious affinity may change over the lifespan. The non-observant partner one married may become more observant in later years and shift the balance in the relationship. Individuals become more interested in their own religion when they have children and it becomes important to celebrate holidays and create family rituals.

Here are some steps you can take to help your interfaith commitment:

• Discuss the rituals and traditions each of you grew up with and how important these are to you and to your new family unit. For instance, if Friday night dinner, Shabbat, was part of your Jewish family tradition and evokes nostalgic memories, you may still want to integrate it into your new family. It may be important to discuss this with your non-Jewish partner who may have spent Friday nights playing pool with friends.

• Plan ahead and decide what religious or secular rituals you are going to include in various life events, such as wedding, holidays, childbirth, baby-naming, etc...

• Talk about each of your families' history with religious rituals and traditions and decide how to deal with each family's expectations.

• Most importantly, attend to your religious differences instead of believing that everything will fall into place naturally once you have tied the knot.

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Dr. Sabitha Pillai-Friedman is a couple therapist and certified sex therapist at the Council for Relationships. She is also the Director of Supervision at the Couple and Family Therapy Program at the Jefferson College of Health Professions. Her specialties include a variety of relationship issues and sexuality. She can be reached at 610-642-2648 ext. 8.

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