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Heartbreak and Recovery

Nancy DePaul, MSW, LMFT
February 23, 2004 

It happens to all of us. At some point, or chapter in our lives, we can expect to experience "heartbreak" or stress in response to an emotional loss or injury. The word "stress" generally relates to the psychological, physical, physiological, or biochemical impact of a stressor on an organism. The process of being stressed involves the connections between stressors and their impact to an individual's coping, social supports and personal resources. What we have come to recognize is that when stress is experienced over an extended period of time, it can threaten the well-being of the individual. And when stress is the result of an emotional loss or chronic condition, it is often felt more deeply and personally.

Healing emotional injuries requires that we regain our footing - our sense of emotional and social competence. When we experience a personal injury, we often suffer a loss of pride, integrity and self-image. In order to recover, what we need to do is surround ourselves with people and comforts that are familiar. Our social support system provides us with people who can lend their vision and determination when we are feeling stuck or hopeless.

This is particularly needed when we have experienced the loss of a love relationship. In addition to losing that relationship, we also tend to feel a loss of connection to the people, places and things that we valued and held in high esteem. So, what can you do when you find yourself in this situation? Often, the initial step is redirecting your energy. Sometimes this requires the creation of a new vision or goal. Beginning with a question can get you started in the healing process. Ask yourself what you are most tired of. Tired of being patient with people's questions? Tired of friends and loved ones telling you to move on? Or maybe you're tired of feeling tired. This is a start. And you may want to ask yourself a different set of questions in order to redirect your life. Try these: Where do you feel your greatest sense of competence and derive your highest level of esteem and accomplishment? How do you care for yourself? What can you do today that will bring you joy? Who are the people in your life that encourage you to feel good about yourself, and how can you spend more time with them?

Taking new chances and doing new things is an opportunity to redirect stress. This helps you grow and gain new insight about yourself and your world. There are three phases of stress, which may help you recognize it and begin to deal with it. First is its unbalancing impact. You will sense an imbalance, which is produced by the impact of stress and the process of recovery. When a system is stressed, there is a compromise that occurs. This could be difficulty with sleep or sometimes decreased productivity at work. The second phase is duration, where you realize that some stressful situations are stretched over a period of time. An example may be caring for a loved one with a chronic condition. The longer the stress continues the more likely the effect will result in an imbalance in the biological and psychological functioning of the person experiencing it. The effects can be experienced in terms of anxiety, fear, panic, helplessness or even anger. If the stress is immediate, the feelings are often numbing, which can help us initially until we can get back our footing to carry on. After the dilemma is resolved and the full reaction is felt though, your defenses are lowered and you may start to feel like you're "falling apart." And in the third phase, there is a natural healing process that occurs as our desire to move on urges us to restore a sense of balance. 

Certain stresses seem to require that you emerge from them as a changed person. This may force you to let go of your former viewpoints about the loss or about yourself. The most serious impact of stress resulting from an emotional loss, is the sense that you are falling apart and that you will never experience life the same way again. It is very normal to experience deep, heartfelt grief and depression. But try to remember that this process can lead to an increased level of insight and personal growth.

The ability to react to stress by coming apart and pulling yourself back together is a creative process in self-discovery and development. What is most important to remember is that you have the inner resources to get yourself in control or choose to give yourself up to being out of control (both have their place and time). Observe the signals that your body is giving you. Identify the areas where you feel most in control and where you feel most out of control. Pay attention to thinking patterns and avoid negative self-talk. Personal growth requires inner resourcefulness - you have it, so listen to your inner voice that is positive and reassuring.

When you experience stress as the result of an emotional loss or injury, allow yourself to sit with the loss. Learn to hold on to yourself, to love yourself through life's transitions. Loneliness and loss are as much a part of the human condition as joy and hope.

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Nancy DePaul, MSW, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist and the Assistant Director of CFR's Concordville, Lionville and Paoli offices. She also co-directs the Men's Group. Nancy can be reached at 610-558-4060 x1.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.