Home > Helpful Resources > Tip of the Week Articles

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

Handling Anger

Kerstin Miller, MDiv, LMFT
September 5, 2005

Anger is an emotion, and like all emotions it wants to tell you something. Think about emotions for a moment the same way you think about your senses. The five senses are a system to communicate to you what is going on in the environment and whether or not it is good for you. If you feel cold, you either adjust the thermostat to make it warmer or you adapt by putting on a warm sweater. If something does not smell or taste good, you know to stay away from it. Emotions are similar in the way that they communicate to you about your relationship environment. Emotions tell you what works well for you in your relationships and what does not. If you are happy, your needs have been met. If you are unhappy, sad, disappointed or angry, it means that some of your needs have not been met. This deserves your attention! If you feel angry with your spouse or your children, or you feel angry at work, please pay attention! Something is not right for you, something needs to change. What kind of change is needed is your responsibility to figure out. 

If you don't pay attention, this is what happens: the anger, instead of getting resolved, gets cycled and recycled over and over again. Depending on your style, anger gets acted out and cycled in different ways. Maybe you use "sneaky anger," a passive-aggressive approach (forgetting, setting somebody up for failure) or you use the "cold shoulder" and don't talk for a long time, simmering in your withdrawal. Or you might be a person who has angry outbursts and picks fights, using a lot of blaming, shaming, and name calling. Or the situation has already escalated to screaming, pushing or possibly more severe physical violence. These anger styles can be described as the anger ladder. It starts with sneaky anger, and as nothing gets resolved, the "acting out" behaviors escalate step by step up to emotional and physical violence. These are destructive ways to deal with anger that do not bring about the change in your relationship that you need. To the contrary: acting out anger will create more of the same: hurt feelings, needs and wants that remain unfulfilled, distance, and unhappiness. 

Here are some tips on how you can pay attention to your anger in a more caring way, more caring for yourself and your relationships: 

1. Try to identify the incident and behavior that triggered your anger. Rather than saying to yourself: "This ignorant bully made me angry", try to be more specific: "When he/she came home late last night, I felt angry."

2. Try to identify your thoughts about that behavior. What does this behavior mean to you? "S/he came home late, because s/he does not care, s/he always treats me as if I don't exist." The way you think about someone's behavior, the way you interpret it, will determine how you feel about it.

3. Be aware that anger is a secondary emotion. That means anger covers another, underlying emotion - the primary emotion. Try to identify that underlying emotion. You were angry when your spouse came home late. But what other feelings were involved? Were you worried about him/her? Were you disappointed because you wanted to spend time together? Did you perhaps feel disrespected, because you did not get a call? 

As you follow these three steps, you will become clearer about your feelings. You start to see where you were hurt and learn about what needs were not met. This gives you the opportunity to address those needs differently. 

Let's assume you were angry with him/her for coming home late and you were able to slow down, reflect and figure out that you actually felt lonely. You can now think about how to change this. Think in two directions:

1. Think about changes you can make yourself: how might you comfort yourself when you feel lonely? Would it help to call a friend or get together with a friend, for instance? Where does that loneliness come from? Take responsibility for your feelings. The other person may have triggered intense feelings, but s/he did not cause them. 
   
   Also, evaluate your initial thoughts. Could there possibly be a different way to think about the incident? "Maybe s/he did not call because the cell phone wasn't charged. I know him/her, when s/he is anxious s/he cannot let go of work." Anger tends to exaggerate. Maybe you can think about it differently to see things in a new light or from an alternative perspective. As you pay attention to your internal process, you can move past the anger to deeper emotions. You reconnect with yourself and be able to self-soothe and comfort yourself. Often anger is related to feeling devalued, feeling trapped and helpless. As you pay attention to your internal process, you value yourself and regain a sense of control. This way you take responsibility for yourself and practice good self-care.





2. Now that you have taken responsibility for your feelings, you can think about changes you would like to see happening in your relationship. Maybe it did not work for you that s/he came home late, because you would like to spend more quality time together. Maybe you desire more intimate time. The clearer you are about how you feel and what you need, the more clearly you can now communicate with your partner. The clearer you are about what you want to see change in your relationship, the more clearly you can communicate that request to your partner, and move in the direction of getting it. 

If you are interested in more information about anger management or communication skills, please check our website for our Anger Management and Communication/Relationship Skills (PREP and PAIRS) classes.

---

Kerstin Miller, MDiv, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist. She is an Anger Management Class leader and practices in CFR's Paoli and Concordville offices. She can be reached at 610-889-0419 ext. 6.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.