Home > Helpful Resources > Tip of the Week Articles

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

Grandparents, Parents and Kids

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT
November 12, 2007

Delicate situations are unavoidable between parents and their adult children, especially in situations that involve the grandchildren. Both in my practice and with my own children and grandchildren, I have found that in potentially delicate situations it is helpful to consider the topics/feelings of dialogue which fall into one of three categories. The three are: Facts, Fears, and Future. Each of these is approached differently, but the underlying constant with each is one very important principle that allows what you are expressing to be fair, and to minimize controversy while maximizing the chance that you will be heard. That underlying principle is "truth."

I know that each of us generally wants to speak the truth, but sometimes what we speak is opinion, which we believe to be, and present as, "truth." For example, let’s take the Fact category. A fact may be that you saw Sammy flush the goldfish down the toilet even though he told Mom he had no idea where Goldie went. Or, Amelia, now 18 took a bottle of scotch to her room surreptitiously. The idea in this Facts category is that you observed or heard something; not that you think it happened or fear it will happen. It actually happened. Truth in this case is simple. You say what you saw. You state the fact. Stating the facts may lead to heated discussion, and if that happens, then the discussion is probably working into the next category - Fear. Note the important distinction here of separating Fact from Emotion.

Let's look at the category of Fear. This is the toughest of the three to recognize in ourselves and therefore the most difficult to handle well. Let's do an exercise here. For each of these following hypothetical situations ask yourself what fear or deep concern you would have:

• Suppose little Sammy watches three hours of television in one sitting; what fear would you have?
• Suppose your teenager Amy, wears very short dresses or Jim comes in late most nights?
• Suppose little Billy hits his mother when angry, or Jane is very quite in her room?

Contacting your fears and concerns is the most important first step you can take that we therapists generally believe is important. Fears often encompass concerns about safety or well-being of your grandchild or even of others in the family. You fear that Sammy’s TV watching may interfere with his learning. Or Amy may be harmed or end up in a ‘bad’ crowd and not develop her potential. Or Billy's temper will spiral out of control and cause him and others' harm. All of these are legitimate fears. Remember, however, the main principle that must always apply: Tell the truth.

In the cases of fear, the only real truth we can say is a description of our fears. We can say, for example, "I am really concerned when I see Amy in that short skirt. I am concerned she will end up in trouble somehow." What is not entirely "truth" would be to say, for example, "That is not right!" because it is only your subjective truth, not objective truth. It offends your personal principles, but not everyone’s. The real issue, I believe, is the fear you rightly have about what might happen if your granddaughter wears short skirts. The same applies to Sammy watching TV; the fear that he may not learn to his potential. Please remember, it is very difficult to contact ours fears and to put them into words, especially if we are not accustomed to doing it. Also, your family will probably find it difficult to know what to do with what you are saying. They may say, for example, "Oh, don’t worry, she’ll be fine." To which your truth response might be "That might be true, but I am still very worried, and I’d like to talk about what worries me." Notice that what you are really saying to the family is this underlying message: "These are my feelings; I own them; they are mine; and for me they are true." But you behave and speak carefully to position your fears in terms of your feelings, and not in terms of facts.

Note that this Fear category applies to fears and concerns that you have about your own children as parents, not just to fear you have about your grandchildren. For example, if the parents are arguing in front of the children, you would rightly have a fear that their behavior may affect their children - your grandchildren. Further, you may be extra sensitive to arguing from your own childhood or from having had a stressful marriage yourself. My suggestion is to sit with the parents and express your fears. Say it as clearly and as calmly as possible. Request that they hear and recognize your concern; not that you know that you are correct about it harming the children, but that you have a strong concern. Then, ask what can be done to reduce the stress and the arguing. While you cannot be an amateur therapist, you can ask them to hear your fears and you can suggest that they go to counseling. You might even offer to pay for it or to make the co-payments, if you can.

Finally, there is the category of Future. This category contains your hopes and dreams for your grandchildren, no matter what their age. Truth is fairly easy to state here; you simply express your hopes and dreams and own them as yours. The trick is for your family to hear them as coming from your heart and not as demands or high expectations. For example, saying "I hope (strong tone given to the word ‘hope’) that Ben goes to medical school!" might be taken as a command. His parents might be hearing you say that Ben has to go to medical school for you (emphasis on ‘you’) to be happy. If this is indeed how you feel, then my guess is that the actual category applying here is Fear; that your fear is that he will not go to medical school (and as a result, not become "successful," etc..). If this is the case, then state it as a fear, not as a hope. Remember, hopes come from the heart and they are expressed with unconditional love: "I hope you go to college, but I will love and support you no matter what."

To sum up, the overall approaches discussed above are first, to speak only the truth, and realize that connecting with the true emotions inside of us may be difficult. Second, to have an open heart that gives unconditionally and says "I am here for you," but I want you to hear my Facts, Fears, and hope for the Future.

---

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT specializes in counseling for couples and families. He works out of the Council for Relationships offices in Doylestown and can be reached by calling 215-345-8454 ext. 4.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.