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Gentlemen...This One’s For You

Nancy DePaul, MSW
December 19, 2011

For the past seven years, the Concordville Office of Council for Relationships has offered men the opportunity to understand attachment theory and emotion theory in an eight week Mens Empowerment Group program.  Over the years, I have often thought that the inscription over the entrance door should read “come with your compelling story of how it feels to be a man.”  Marking the end of the eight week period, the message at the exit should read, “you have the power to influence and be influenced, when in doubt, do both well.”  Why attachment?  In short, those of us in the field of psychotherapy recognize it as one of those irreducible needs, and when congruent with emotional regulation and responsible self-expression, life gets better for men.                                                                                                      

In order to explore the emotional landscape of what it means to be a responsive man in relationship to self and in the lives of others, a starting point for group members is a conversation around the social emotional brain.  Borrowing from the works of Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and Dr. Jaak Panksepp, neurobiologist and psychiatrist, we begin by defining the 7 emotional command systems and their day to day impact on solving “survival” problems.  The idea of a command system appeals to most men who resonate with the idea of control.  Over our eight week session, each man has his own trajectory while the concept of a psychoeducational group offers each participant the benefit of sharing feared unbearable emotions.  Each participant is helpful in the process of learning what it takes to deepen social bonding.  The goal for human development of course, is to move along  a continuum of attachment based behavior, in the beginning meeting basic needs, feed me, to healthy, adult reciprocal attachment.  As social scientists remind us, at our most primitive level, significant life experiences create an approach or withdrawal response.  For most of us it is a difficult next step to push through the pile of unwilled and unwanted emotions to get to the good stuff; love, commitment and adult intimacy.  By working together, men in the community of men can help debunk the myths of what a man wants and what a man needs by calling on each other in moments of vulnerability and calling each other out on instinctual behavior that is hurtful and self-serving.  I often refer to this behavior of getting big as the blowfish phenomenon.  I will do whatever it takes to avoid being close, connected, and available.  Learning to identify and communicate emotional vulnerability helps men create opportunities for healing transformation.

“Gottman and Panksepp’s depiction of emotional command systems using the idea of the nervous system as a railroad and one’s emotions as its trains reinforce the idea of pathways in the brain transmitting messages.  The idea that the emotional command systems are the tracks on which emotions run,  these tracks taking  our feelings in a number of directions dependent on which task we need to perform” (Bastiat, 4).  The idea of a competent system helps diffuse some of the shame-based scripts that men are at a deficit when it comes to expressing emotions.  We all have the necessary hardware, it’s the reworking of earlier painful experiences and the delight in the discovery of  new opportunities that provide the corrective emotional experiences.

Towards this vein an early task for the group is to describe the earliest working memory of a healthy attachment experience which includes a positive emotion.   What we’ve come to know is that early bonding behavior requires a healthy dose of neurochemicals including oxytocin for the brain to create the “velcro” necessary to repeat the experience. “That felt so good; how can I recreate that experience?”  For most men, they express messages of reinforcement for the use of their brain’s executive power, “I’m the problem solver,” and less emphasis on their emotional skills.  I have found that by revisiting early brain development, Neuroscience 101, helps men to grow in appreciation of how exquisitely prepared each of them are to feel, emote, survive and thrive, upon learning that four of the seven systems are in operation soon after birth.  Panksepp in his research suggests the four earliest systems to evolve include: (1) “the Seeking System which is basic to survival; (2) a Rage System which all of us recognize to be easily activated by frustrations; (3) a Fear System which is helpful to minimize bodily risk; and (4) a Panic System which activates the social and emotional processes necessary for attachment” (Bastiat, 5).

The three additional social systems include sexual lust, maternal care, and play.  It’s interesting that play is the least understood although a powerful anecdote for male isolation and loneliness.  Over an eight week period we help men to understand the interplay between these emotional command systems and life choices.  Borrowing from the world of economics we debate the consequences and advantages of treating relationships with the idea that there is an opportunity cost of any decision or action as the value of the next best alternative.  Would I rather spend time with my wife and kids or have a guy’s night out?

In exploring the Rage System the discussion often centers around the understanding that male anger is rarely ignored, and in childhood begins with the assertion by boys “watch this…I can get my mom to say yes.”  This is usually followed by a tantrum of such magnitude only the brave could continue to hold the necessary line.  Men learn early that women often have a harder time holding the line, and staying present for male rage.  Part of our work together focuses on the concept that each man has a responsibility “to know when one is angry, when one has been pushed too far and when requests have been made that one does not wish to fulfill” (McCullough, 292).  McCullough reminds us in her work around affect regulation that the alliance has to be internal for the emotional boundary to be effective.  This conversation enables us to understand that their brains our wired to produce tension and release.  That aggression is hardwired, violence is not.  When the rage circuit is triggered for the guy with the more sensitive rage system, he will read every human signal as hostile intention.  Teaching men to read the signals accurately, as a means of reducing massive retaliation for perceived threat, is critical to healthy male development.

The group also spends time developing an understanding that the emotional systems of care and panic-separation distress may be activated when male requests for empathy are misunderstood and/or minimized.  Helping men create clear requests for help starts in the conversation where male often encode pleas for help in the language of the game...“bleep, can’t she just this once take a hit for the team!  I’m the one on the frontline… the bills…my work.”  As we explore the meaning of male language encoded in a lifetime of performance driven experiences, men learn to loosen their grip on old maladaptive strategies to be heard and understood. Growth begins at home.

Tips for self-care and emotional growth:

1. Develop a relationship with your emotional command system.  Know what you want and don’t want.  Under/over activation of these systems can impair relationships; strive for emotional balance.
2. Processing grief requires the ability to tolerate sorrow.  Find someone to share your “land of tears;” it need not be a “secret place” (Gurian, 24).  Adaptive grief provides both resolution and self-discovery.
3. Understand anger as a secondary emotion and when unbridled mars relationships for a lifetime; heed the following; Sun-Tzu’s advice “leave the enemy a way out.”  This includes loved ones who in the moment may feel like the enemy.
4. The best way to protect a relationship is to de-escalate; injuries to character and integrity are the hardest to heal.
5. Loss of hope is often described as an understimulation of the Seeking System.  What are you doing to create opportunities for creativity, joy, and adventure?
6. “Guilt means you’ll do it again” (McCullough, 273).  Taking responsibility and changing your behavior are the first steps towards reducing shamebased emotions.

Helping men to understand the interplay of attachment, emotional command systems and how to handle emotional power is  necessary for successful, adult intimacy.  Come join us in March for our next Mens Empowerment Group.

Bibliograpy

Bastiat Blogger: Emotional Command Systems, Predatory and Affective Aggression
Gurian, Michael, The Wonder of Boys Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam New York, 1997
Panksepp, Jaak, Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions.
Shulman, James L., and William G. Bowen, The Game of Life, Princeton University Press, Princeton 2001
Siegel, Daniel, Parenting from the Inside Out. Penguin, New York 2001
Vaillant, Leigh McCullough, Changing Character, Basic Books New York  1973

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Nancy DePaul, MSW is Director of CFR’s Concordville office, as well as of the Men’s Group. She is as a Senior Staff Therapist and can be reached at 610-558-4060 x1.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.