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Forgiveness

S. Timothy Pretz. DMin, LMFT
October 18, 2004

Most of us know ways to improve our health-eat less, exercise more, manage stress better, and reduce or eliminate bad habits. Family, friends, magazine articles, and doctors make it their business to remind us of this advice on a regular basis.

But did you know that another healthy activity is the act of forgiveness? For many years, and for many of us, forgiveness was exclusively the business of religion. But in recent years the mental health field has recognized the beneficial results that come from doing the work of addressing wrongs from our past. Dr. Fred Luskin's study at Stanford University showed that people who learned to forgive became less stressed, less angry, more optimistic, and reported improved physical health, even adding years to their life. It's in your best interest to do this important relational work. 

What does this kind of relational forgiveness mean-and what doesn't it mean? Forgiveness is not excusing someone else for wrong behavior. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily include reconciliation with the person who wronged us. Forgiveness means no longer dwelling on the wounds that keep us tied to the past. Forgiveness also involves making plans for our future with appropriate boundaries that improve our life experience. 

According to Luskin and others, forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel, and taking back the power from others to keep hurting you. In one sense our minds are like a TV, and we have the choice of what we focus on. Forgiveness is making the decision to "change the channel" of our thinking away from past grievances, and instead focus on making the changes that will improve our lives now and in the future. 

Sometimes we are able to do this work by ourselves; other times the wounds are too deep and need the help of a mental health professional. The therapy offered at Council for Relationships includes a thorough assessment of a client's past, and an opportunity to do the healing work of relational forgiveness.

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Dr. Tim Pretz was formerly a Staff Therapist in CFR's University City office.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.