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Keeping the Spark Alive:
How to Flirt With Your Long-Term Partner

Thomas Wood, LSW, MEd
October 27, 2008

I recently discovered that certain grocery stores allow you to order groceries online and have them delivered right to your door. It's a simple process really, you just select the items you want from the website and wait for your doorbell to ring. I immediately thought of the days when I would go to my local farmer's market, thoughtfully moving from vendor to vendor to peruse each seller's wares. Yes it was much more time-consuming and energy-laden process but there was something special about the experience. What I realized was that both the online and local market options are different ways to get the same shopping needs met.

Consider the following scenario: You've just walked in and you immediately notice the bar is incredibly crowded. You see a number of friends and acquaintances and make sure to greet them. They tell you how good you look tonight and you wander over to the bar together. As you scan the area, you immediately notice someone who you find irresistible. Riding on the confidence from the earlier compliments, you move closer to this person, hoping that you will catch their eye and when you do, you will approach them and say hello. After something funny is said, you touch their arm and they respond with a smile. You ask this person to dance, they say yes, and you both make your way over to the dance floor. As you begin loosening up to the music, you compliment your dance partner on their moves. They know they are a terrible dancer but the affirmation allows them to loosen up as well. Inside, you both are glowing.

This scenario is representative of the farmer's market experience, where emotional, social, and intimate needs are met by a large number of people. When we enter into long-term relationships, we may expect those needs to be met by our partners and just wait for the benefits to be delivered to our door.

Not everyone has experienced the above scenario, but most of us can relate to that good feeling we get inside when a night out with friends evolves into a potential romance through flirting. However, when we fondly recall scenarios like the one described above, we frequently forget the amount of effort and energy those situations require. We forget the shopping for new outfits, working out to fit into those outfits, getting ready (putting on makeup, gelling up the hair), making/confirming plans with friends, traveling, building up the energy and confidence to approach new people. It's an exciting and exhausting experience that many people relate to more youthful endeavors that are common before one "settles down."

For many people who do "settle down" in long-term relationships, losing this flirtation outlet can equal the loss of a source of self-esteem - a major component of healthy sexuality. Also, when we partner, there is the risk of putting less energy into flirtation because flirting was just the way to seduce and capture the interest of a potential mate. However, entering into a long-term relationship doesn't have to equal the death of flirtation. In fact, with some amount of intention and effort it took during the days of singlehood, your relationship can truly become your source for that internal glow.

Flirtation is a wonderful tool for creating feelings of being noticed and appreciated. As such, the lack of flirtation or intentional sexy energy in your relationship can create a feeling of being taken for granted. If you feel the erotic charge that flirting brings to relationships is missing in yours, here are a few suggestions that might help you to spark it again:

1. Get Closer to Your Partner
   Make an effort to lessen the amount of physical distance between you and your partner. Stand closer to your partner in various situations, including when in the kitchen cooking or doing the dishes. Inch closer when lounging together or watching TV. Employ the highly effective sneak attack and hug your partner from behind whenever you get the chance. If you want to do the most damage with your sneak attack, nuzzle your partner's neck during the hug.



2. Touch Your Partner
   Now that you are getting closer with your partner, make them feel more comfortable with this new proximity through touch. We humans crave physical communication from our loved ones - it's a basic need. Nothing is more comforting or exciting than that tingle we get from skin-to-skin contact. Smart couples use this tactic to get and send the message of sexual attractiveness. Like the neck-nuzzle hug from behind, use regular brief touches to make your partner feel noticed. Remember, feeling "seen" is a major part of feeling good about ourselves which leads to feeling sexy.



3. Plan to Be Spontaneous
   As mentioned above, we are never sexier than when we feel good about ourselves. Additionally, we are never better partners than when we feel appreciated and noticed by our mates. Every morning, write down one thing you would like to compliment your partner on (eg. their generosity, their cooking, their help around the house, their nice tush, etc.). Then look for any excuse to give that compliment, making your plan to compliment them seem spontaneous. In time and with the appropriate level of affirmation, your partner will begin to feel more sexy and appear sexier to you.

Taken on their own, the techniques offered don't seem much like flirting. But, if you review the nightclub scenario, you can see that these techniques, when used in combination, closely resemble the flirtation that many might miss from their single days. Just like going out to flirt with new people, flirting with your partner takes effort, intent, and energy and has a huge payoff - feelings of self-esteem, self-confidence, and sexiness.

And remember, the flirting tips offered are meant to be enjoyed for their moments of intimacy and not used only as tools that will lead to sex. If you are concerned about the sexual health of your relationship, please visit any of the following websites to access qualified professionals who can help:

• www.thomaswoodlsw.com
• Council for Relationships Institute for Sex Therapy
• American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists (AASECT)

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Thomas Wood, LSW, MEd is a Staff Therapist at CFR's Institute for Sex Therapy and Concordville offices, and can be reached at 267-479-2279.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.