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Thoughts About the Empty Nest & a Satisfying Retirement

John Musewicz, JD, MS, LMFT
August 24, 2009

As I've recently retired, I thought I would share some advice on this important life transition.

Be positive. While some may be afraid of the "empty nest," many people actually look forward to having their children move out, and view this special time as a time to relax and become less involved with the usual demands of life. But I would encourage some careful thought here, because in fact, becoming uninvolved is a sure recipe for boredom, stagnation, depression and an early death. Studies (the Ohio Longitudinal Study, for one) have shown that people who remain positive and invested in life after 60 outlive, on average, people who have a negative, disengaged outlook by 7½ years.

Keep learning. Rather than withdrawing from family, friends and activities, retirement should be a time to give full bloom to a passion and zest for life. While observing and learning to accept your physical limitations (you might not be able to play tennis without the hip replacement), maintain your old interests and activities and develop new ones. If you have a family, consider not moving to Florida but staying close enough to be helpful and to be helped. Before you move to a retirement community, make sure it is the place for you. Are your grandchildren welcome and allowed to visit overnight? Can they play outside without having people complain? Are there activities you can all do together?

Keep loving. Being elderly does not entitle you to retire from being loving and caring. This is a time to be giving, not selfish, a time to be wise but not insistent on being right - even when you are. You may still need to care for parents, provide a temporary place to live for adult children and provide child care for grandchildren. Strive to see all these challenges for what they are, an opportunity to grow, love and share joy. Again, be positive. We are only truly human in relationship to others (even hermits are in relationship to nature, a spirit world, a god). Indeed, in addition to loving and caring for family and friends, many find that volunteer work can be richly rewarding.

Being a retired empty-nester is a time to improve your relationship with your spouse who probably knows you better than anyone else (don’t give up on sex though you might have to make adjustments to accommodate deteriorating knees, backs and hips and prostatectomies). It may be new and difficult when first retired to spend a great deal of time together talking and wondering about who you are as a couple and what you wish to accomplish at this stage of your lives. But do talk with each other, and, especially, listen to each other and discern how you can improve on your relationship. What old and new activities can you do together? How can you be more helpful to each other? What can you both learn and do together with a mutual interest? But, at the same time, don’t necessarily rule out separation and divorce if the marriage is not kind and nourishing. If you can’t seem to find your way through what might seem to be a baffling maze of being good with and for each other, you might want to seek professional help.

And while you’re at it, continue to be part of family rituals and celebrations. Don’t shy away from letting others celebrate milepost birthdays (like turning 60 or 70) with you. Keep going to family dinners, anniversaries and weddings. You are not out of place unless you think you are. Again, be positive and keep alive your enjoyment of life. It is good for you and those around you.

If you’re single, the same lessons apply. In addition, you may want to seek out another partner who can join in your life journey. While a difference in age might not pose an insurmountable barrier, the odds of being happy together for the remainder of your life decrease as the difference in age increases. So think seriously before you date or marry someone significantly younger than you. They’re on a different part of the life journey and may not be sufficiently wise and sensitive to fully join you on your stage of the journey. Many are the laments of the powerful CEO who finds upon retirement that his youthful wife no longer finds him an emotionally satisfying life-partner.

Maintain boundaries with your children. By all means continue to be helpful to your children. But don’t try to settle their marital disagreements and don’t drag them into yours. They should be turning to and talking with their spouse not you. Likewise, it is not healthy or wise to cry to your children about your spouse instead of working on the relationship with your partner. Yes, it can reduce your anxiety for a time, but the anxiety is only shifted to your children and the problem with your spouse remains unsolved. Wise is the child who will risk the wrath of the worried parent by gently suggesting that they need to talk to their spouse or partner about the problem. It is for you as the parent to see this as a gift and not an uncaring rejection.

While aging, you should strive to be as independent as you can be. But, at the same time, don’t shy away from asking your children and grandchildren for necessary help. Helping you gives them a way to express their love and gratitude while also providing an opportunity for them to grow as responsible, helpful human beings on their life journey. Nevertheless, don’t ask your children or grandchildren for help if you cannot genuinely be okay hearing “no.” They have their own lives to live, and they are not always in position to be as helpful as you would like. So, don’t take “no” personally and keep on loving and caring.

Continue your spiritual journey. Finally, if you are graced with a spiritual life, retirement is a good time to grow spiritually. You have a lot to reflect on, and meditation is good for the soul. Wisdom does not belong only to the elderly; there are young people who are wise and elderly who are not. But if you can regulate your emotions (stay positive), reflect and learn from your life experiences and allow those reflections to guide you into the future, the chance for a satisfying, happy and grace filled retirement will be increased immensely.

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In addition to his work as a Senior Therapist, Supervisor and Instructor at Council for Relationships, John Musewicz, JD, MS, LMFT also taught human development and marriage and family therapy as an adjunct professor in the graduate psychology department at Chestnut Hill College. He recently retired, after a lifetime of serving his country (in Vietnam where he served with the 101st Airborne Division and was awarded the Bronze Star for heroism in ground combat), his clients and his students, to take care of his body, mind and spirit. CFR is eternally grateful to John for his dedication and contribution to the field of therapy and to our organization, in particular for starting and directing Operation Home and Healing, a program that works with Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans and their loved ones.

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