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What Happens to a Couple's Relationship
After the Birth of a Child

Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, PhD
May 1, 2005

The birth of a first child is one of the most anticipated events in a couple's life. Couples expecting a new baby spend a tremendous amount of time and energy preparing for the event. Most often the preparation involves moving to a bigger house, painting the nursery, buying baby furniture and reading books on parenting. And rarely do people think about how their couple relationship may change after the birth of a baby. 

Researchers have identified the transition to parenthood as one of the most challenging milestones in a relationship. The birth of a child can bring couples together or push them apart. I often come across couples in distress who believe that having a baby may bring them closer and help them resolve differences. That is a big mistake - and mainly because the relationship may not be able to withstand the stress that comes with a new baby. Although couples who start off on shaky ground are more at risk for drifting apart after the birth of a child, couples who start off in a secure relationship may also falter under the tremendous stress of parenthood. That is why it is very important for couples to prepare their relationship for parenthood. 

The following are some tips on how couples can nurture and protect their relationship during the transition to parenthood:

1. Find a way to resolve major differences in your relationship before the baby is born. For instance, if you constantly argue about division of chores in the household before the baby, you need to find ways to resolve these divisions because they will only get worse after the baby. 

2. Analyze thoroughly all the changes that your lifestyle may go through after the birth a child. A new baby usually means sleep deprivation, increased chores, increased chaos, less time for adult conversation and intimacy. You need to talk about these changes realistically and find ways to manage the stress. 

3. Have a realistic discussion about division of chores when the baby comes. For instance, most couples do not discuss who will wake up with the baby. Both men and women make unrealistic assumptions about how much help they are going to receive from their partners and end up feeling disappointed. 

4. Obstetricians and midwives usually tell couples that they can resume sexual relationship after 6 weeks. Most often, women are not physically or emotionally ready to resume sexual relationships after 6 weeks. In fact, most women take 3-6 months to recover after childbirth, depending on the nature of the birth. It is very important for couples to communicate openly and honestly about sex.

5. Lastly, find time to connect with each other. It may require advance planning with a child care person or family members. You can plan a simple but enjoyable activity together, such as a quiet dinner in a nearby restaurant, a walk in the neighborhood, or even a chat in the backyard or a bath together. Be creative. Make time alone together a priority and you'll find a way to make it happen.

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Dr. Sabitha Pillai-Friedman is a Senior Staff therapist at CFR's Wynnewood office and the Institute of Sex Therapy. She teaches the Bonding After the Baby© class for pregnant couples and new parents to help prepare their relationships for this exciting and challenging time. She can be reached at 610-642-2648, ext. 8 or at 215-893-6517.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.