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Dual-Career Marriages: What Makes Them Work?

This article is reprinted with permission
from Dr. Gary L. Wood and Dr. Patricia N. Alexander (Tampa, FL)
March 8, 2004

Two-career couples face more complicated issues than those with only one spouse employed outside the home. But with practical scheduling, creative thinking, flexibility and good communication, a marriage with two wage earners can be successful and rewarding.

"Dual-career couples must wrestle with the dilemmas of how to support each other's career development, while juggling childcare, housekeeping, and their personal relationship," says Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist based in Vancouver, Washington. "On the positive side, many dual-career couples report that two careers enhance their personal relationship. Both husbands and wives report that it is very rewarding to be married to someone who is interesting, intelligent and powerful. Yet the time commitment to career and family is heavy, and often the marriage relationship is the last attended to, after work, children and housekeeping." 

"There can be a great temptation to become more intimate with your profession than you are with your partner," observes Peter A. D. Sherrard, Ph.D. at the University of Florida's marriage and family therapy program. "That's why it's important to remember you have two partners, your spouse and your career."

"Your relationship is a job," Chris Fariello tells his patients. He's a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. "It's important to keep this in mind all the time. You have to work on it every day, and your performance is being evaluated. If you don't perform to your partner's expectations, you'll hear about it. And if you don't put the effort in on a regular basis, you run the risk of getting 'fired'." 

Fariello uses his own marriage as an example. He typically works 10 to 12 hours a day, and his wife works full-time in a hospital and attends school part-time. "We've become very good at scheduling," he says.

"Whenever my wife gets her work schedule, the first thing we do is overlay it with mine, and then with our daughter's," Fariello explains. "This helps us see when we will need child care or other outside help, and - this is the next critical thing - when we can plan time together. We make it a point to find time for 'date night' at least twice a month. Then we set aside every Friday as 'family night'. It's the one time every week we can be sure to have some 'down time' as a family. Typically we go out to eat, see a movie, or just open up the sofa bed, make popcorn and watch a movie at home. Whatever we end up doing, putting that night into the schedule assures us of some uninterrupted time together as family to laugh, play, talk and relax. It's become such a regular thing that our friends know not to ask us to do anything on a Friday night."

"The other thing I recommend to my patients, and try to follow myself, is to recognize the importance of time for self," says Fariello. "That can be anything from reading, doing yoga, gardening, anything that we enjoy doing alone. It's important for people to do this, and allow time for their spouse to be alone, too. Otherwise, resentment can build, and it comes out through such complaints as 'I do everything around here,' 'I'm not appreciated,' 'I need help,' or it boils over into some sort of conflict."

"Flexibility is very important when both people work," Fariello emphasizes. "There are so many external factors that can't be controlled, so we like to recommend that couples come up with some creative 'what-if' scenarios. This builds in some flexibility so that things like a sick child won't throw the whole family into crisis. Every schedule at some time is going to need to shift to 'Plan B'. In preparing for the inevitable sick child, for example, couples should talk about who could stay home, and if neither can, then what the backup plan should be - should we call our parents, or can we afford a babysitter - things like that."

"With that in mind," Fariello continues, "one thing that hasn't changed dramatically is that couples still look to their relatives as resources to help with child care and other issues to help them cope. The most successful couples realize they can't always do everything on their own. And when their families aren't nearby, they're creating their own family-like networks of friends, co-workers and neighbors to lean on for support."

In any relationship, good communication is key. And for two-career couples it's especially important to make time for discussions about important family issues and about the relationship itself, says Fariello. "Sharing vulnerabilities is a part of that dialogue, because the best partnerships are also friendships."

"Couples who love each other must tackle problems that inevitably come up from time to time," says Paul Coleman, Psy.D., in his book How to Say It For Couples (Prentice Hall Press, 2002). "While some problems may be within the relationship, many stressors originate outside the relationship: an unexpected illness, a financial setback, a child in trouble at school, neighborhood problems, difficulties with a boss, and so on. The good news is that those problems are often temporary and solvable." When dealing with those types of stresses, Coleman writes, "the ability to soothe and support one another emotionally is more important in reducing emotional distress than the specific details of how to tackle the problem. First soothe, then solve," he emphasizes.

Communication is essential, echoes Sherrard. "Remind your partner how important they are to you, how much you care, and take advantage of even the smallest moments to do that," he advises. "When couples are exhausted at the end of a day, this requires extra effort, but giving each other tenderness and understanding helps."

A good set of tools for "taking the temperature" of your relationship and then communicating about it can be found in the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last," by John Gottman, Ph.D. The book offers self-tests for couples and identifies areas where improvements may be needed. 

"There are rewards and challenges in the dual-career lifestyle," says Marshack. "In order to make your marriage the best it can be you must be willing to take the time to talk, to get away for an evening, or take a weekend holiday. After all, your marriage is the center of your family. A strong loving friendship between husband and wife builds a strong healthy family. And if professional help is needed, don't hesitate to see a marriage and family therapist. Often a professional can help you reorganize some priorities and teach you tools of communication that will cut through the conflicts."

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Chris Fariello, PhD is a Senior Staff Therapist, specializing in relationships and sex therapy. He is Assistant Director of CFR's University City office, as well as Director of the PREP Communication Skills and Anger Management programs. Chris can be reached at 215-382-6680 ext. 3115.

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