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Divorce and Children

Nancy DePaul, MSW
September 17, 2007

When a couple’s marriage is no longer supported by the promise of integrity, emotional health and commitment, it is often then, that the conversation shifts to separation. For many couples with children, there is a reported sense of dread, and sadness associated with the process of “telling the children.” Many parents have rehearsed these conversations with their children in their heads for a long period of time. For some, it has been following “another stormy fight” where the exhaustion and hopelessness begin to feel like a one way street, always reaching the same conclusion. For others, it may occur after one of their children reaches another developmental milestone. “This may be a good time to separate,” I often hear in my office. Regardless of the timeframe, it still remains true, adults decide to separate and divorce, children learn to adjust.

Separation and divorce are adult terms for adult problems. As an adult, you may have, had the advantage of coming to your decision for a period of weeks, months or often years of relational dissatisfaction. Exhaustion and a sense of injustice can often precede adults determining that they have reached an impassable obstacle. Children do not have this vantage point. Childhood is and should be a time of physical and psychological dependence and emotional support. Children conceptualize their parents as their primary resources for survival, nurturance, confidence building and forgiveness. When a marriage is struggling, children learn to accommodate to the losses associated with their parent’s frustrations and often emotional absence. Children hold a powerless position when it comes to parental separation and divorce. Separation and divorce may be inevitable, but perhaps the following guidelines may help to lesson the burden for children as they adapt to this chapter in their lives.

1. All divorce research supports the idea that the higher the level of parental reactivity children are facing, the greater their level of suffering. Suffering can take many forms. From the shape of the immediate embarrassment when witnessing parents arguing at the soccer field about who’s going to take them home to suffering academically, and emotionally when there is long-term parental hostility. Suffering caused by parental negativity creates a schism for children... It is often in these situations that children are forced to make a choice, one they would not be required to make if they were living within a healthy emotional system. From their time in the womb, children are learning to read and respond to parental behavior and emotions. When parental tension is evident, children are adjusting and attuning their emotions in accordance. Your children need both of you. The physical context for children of divorce requires a tender, caring vigilance by parents.

2. Accepting and supporting that your former partner’s style is different from your own will help in your child’s long-term adjustment. Grow to appreciate that he/she offers a different vantage point for your child to learn from. Avoid interrogating your child following visitation with his/her other parent. Allow them to share what parts of the visit they feel most comfortable sharing. Avoid placing your child in the role of “informant” or “messenger.” These roles are contradictory for the primary emotions of childhood - enthusiasm and curiosity. Allow your children to hold on to those magical emotions and develop into emotionally healthy adults.

3. Practice and model the philosophy that those who strive towards understanding will most likely thrive. If you can accept and nurture the belief that your child's well being will always be dependent, to some degree, on how well you and your former partner respond to each other in meeting their needs, you will protect them for a lifetime.

4. Avoid disclosing information that would have been considered “private “during the course of your marriage. Children are often blindsided by careless comments regarding an affair or other adult issue that become part of casual conversations.

5. Model civility for your children. Walk away from being right, or having the last word. Supporting your children's resources (your former mother-in-law, etc.) is critical to your child’s need to feel the separation/divorce was not their fault and that they continue to have family members that care about them. Divorce is not caused by children and they need to feel protected and sheltered by the two people who loved them first. When in doubt, create a context for kindness and show your strength in your willingness to let go of the "fight" or "right" of it.

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Nancy DePaul, MSW is Director of CFR’s Concordville office, as well as of the Men’s Group. She is as a Senior Staff Therapist and can be reached at 610-558-4060 x1.

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