Home

TIP OF THE WEEK ARTICLES

Communicating About Difficult Topics: Part 2

Peggy Roth, MS Ed, LMFT and Sue Milbourne, MS, LMFT
July 25, 2005

Click here to read Communicating About Difficult Topics: Part 1

Clear intimate communication which invites your partner to be interested (versus conflict communication) is hard to learn. People often don't know how to do anything other than lecture or debate or report. None of those styles are inviting. How you learn to respond to your partner's most sensitive issues and how you learn to initiate such conversations yourself is often the hardest work of marriage, and many couples find they can benefit from good therapy in this area. 

Physical touch and eye contact when speaking to each other deepens the communication in very good ways and can be difficult, even frightening, to initiate and maintain. We find that when couples face each other and touch - hands or knees or something, they are less likely to maintain a defensive position (which can look either aggressive or remote) and are more inclined to listen to one another. 

'Children should be seen and not heard' is often the sentiment from which we learn to value (or not) our thoughts and feelings. Children are easily shamed when confronted with offhand sarcasm or more adult-like interactions that assume a more developed sense of self. Developmentally, children are not equipped to understand or appreciate those subtleties. And without intervention, we are likely to carry that sense of shame into adulthood where it might look to others as though we have to 'know it all' or 'know nothing at all' for fear of not being good enough. Such a legacy may leave one feeling unentitled to ask directly for our wants and needs to be addressed and met.

Our sincere suggestion is that couples make time to be together in a focused and attentive way. The skill of listening can be difficult to acquire for many reasons. But practicing reflective listening is essential to slowing things down enough to make sure that our partner's intent is clearly understood. The way our lives are structured makes this very hard to accomplish, but it's important that we try. 

We believe that incorporating these strategies can help both partners to get more of what they want in an intimate relationship. A strong, intimate relationship is one that can tolerate differences respectfully. Anything can be talked through when there's a way to connect and those ways need to be learned. We can learn them in childhood if we are very, very lucky, or take responsibility for our emotional health and that of our relationships and learn them today, as adults. These skills will be used time and time again to nurture a more intimate bond with your partner, and may even help you in other relationships as well! 

Slow down, listen intently and reflectively, look and touch. 

Click here to read Communicating About Difficult Topics: Part 1

---

Peggy Roth, MS Ed, LMFT, and Sue Milbourne, MS, LMFT are Staff Therapists at Council for Relationships' University City and Paoli offices and can be reached at 610-889-0419 x5.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.