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Couples and Fighting: Part 2

Stephen R. Treat, DMin, LMFT
April 4, 2005

Click here to read Couples and Fighting: Part 1.

So, you and your significant other argue a great deal, and each partner continually feels one of these primary emotions: rejection, criticism, unloved, or dismissed. Based on the previous Relationship Tip of the Week, you recognize that the feelings you feel are somewhat consistent no matter what the specific topic of the disagreement. These feelings are called "introjects" and can powerfully impact you relationship.

The following are some suggestions of what to do if one of these feelings seems to dominate your thought process:

1. Try to recognize that this feeling - let's use criticism as an example, is larger or more profound than just your couple interaction. Attempt to understand it in your family of origin (mother, father, caregiver, siblings), especially in the first fifteen years of your life.

2. Pull the blame for the feeling off your partner. While he/she might participate in the creation of the feeling, the primary source is your background and you would probably carry the feeling into any relationship.

3. Recognize that you help create the feeling by perceiving it in many interactions, just as you felt as a child, and most often your partner does not intend it in the way you heard it.

4. Pay attention when you feel criticized or rejected, or feel another primary emotion, to how you respond. Your response most often creates more of the feeling. For instance, when you say/feel, "When I feel criticized, I get angry and lash out," the anger and lashing out create more criticism in the interaction. It becomes a circular pattern. 

5. Try to develop and practice a response to that feeling of being criticized which is completely different than what you normally do. Perhaps, walk towards a partner and ask them a neutral question. Start a calm dialogue. You'll see - when you act differently, you'll feel differently. And there will be new behaviors and responses that will probably change your communication with each other, and the way you feel. 

Remember, that if you constantly feel a particular negative feeling, there is a good chance that it's root lies not in your current relationship, but in your own family of origin. Once you can understand that, you can start to do something about it. 

Click here to read Couples and Fighting: Part 1.

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Dr. Stephen R. Treat is CEO and Director of Council for Relationships. He is a Senior Therapist, Speaker, Teacher and regular contributor to TV, Radio and Newspaper programs. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3123.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.