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Couples and Fighting: Part 1

Stephen R. Treat, DMin, LMFT
March 21, 2005

Every couple argues. Some couples argue for, what seems like, most of the time. Arguments can actually be a form of intimacy that keep a couple engaged with each other. And while I don't suggest using quarrels and disagreements as a major form of intimacy, I can certainly understand how fighting can provide some energy - energy that some couples desperately need. 

While it may seem that chronic argument is random, pertaining to the topic of the day, it rarely is. For most people, the arguments often have themes to them that organize feelings of self-concept and attribution toward a partner. 

If you honestly ask yourself after a fight, "What am I feeling?," the answer will often be one or more of the following emotions: unloved, unheard, rejected, criticized, or put down. With further probing, you might discover that you often experience these feelings no matter what the particular topic of the argument. Statements like "I always feel criticized," for example, begin to suggest a pattern in the process of the arguments. While content might vary, the process, or way people are speaking to each other, is very patterned and predictable. 

If one or two emotions are often felt as a result of your interactions, the feeling probably has some history in your family of origin (your parents, caregivers, siblings). If you find that you constantly feel criticized by your significant other, more than likely criticism is part of your history with your own mother, father or caregiver. Similar and recurring emotions that are perceived in many different arguments probably have deeper roots and need to be understood as much more complicated than simply solving the current argument. 

Ideas on what to do with this insight can be found in
Couples and Fighting: Part 2.

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Dr. Stephen R. Treat is CEO and Director of Council for Relationships. He is a Senior Therapist, Speaker, Teacher and regular contributor to TV, Radio and Newspaper programs. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 x3123.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.