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Understanding Your Couple Style

Lucy S. Raizman, LCSW, LMFT
May 15, 2005

Marriage and Family Therapy experts tell us that in committed relationships there are common patterns that reflect a mix of personality styles and dynamics that fit the unique needs, values, and circumstances of each individual couple. Why is this important? Understanding, modifying, and accepting partner styles is fundamental for building attachment and emotional and physical intimacy. These are the key ingredients of a mutually-satisfying and strong relationship. And feeling safely and securely attached helps create enhanced psychological and physical well-being and self-esteem. So, what happens with mismatched couple styles? Mismatches in couple styles contribute to increased emotional distress, reactivity, and are predictable of unhappiness and often divorce.

The natural ups and downs of relationships and the difficulties of adjustment are significant during the first few years of a relationship, and often involve real stages of development and growth - from the initial infatuation or idealized romance to illusion, disillusion, confusion, and resolution or conclusion of staying together or splitting up. Healthy and stable relationships require respect, trust, emotional openness, physical closeness and sexual bonding as well as realistic expectations that balance individual differences and needs for autonomy and couple closeness. Instead of focusing on cultural notions of mate selection like romantic attraction, luck or soul mates, we need to realize that strong relationship bonds depend much more on caring, chemistry, compatibility and commitment.

Healthy relationships require healthy behaviors and open communication that recognizes the importance of each partner's feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. Constructive resolution to conflicts and disagreements leads to negotiating agreements in good faith and with goodwill between partners. (McCarthy, 2004)

What's your couple style? Here are descriptions of four typical styles:

1. Complementary or Validator couple is considered the most common and mutually compatible and functional style that offers satisfaction, comfort, and security with less emotional closeness. In these relationships each partner has the freedom to balance traditional roles and responsibilities and pursue their own individual interests and autonomy, and blends well with "coupleness". Arguments and conflicts are handled, and there is motivation to reach understanding and agreement. Due to the increased level of distance there is risk that couples become complacent and take each other and the relationship for granted. While sexuality is positive and an important part of these relationships, it is more likely to become routine, with less frequency and quality. Over time these couples can grow apart, become less engaged in each other's lives, and become more rigid or inflexible to change when problems disrupt the balance of their lives or desire for more equal roles. 

2. Conflict-Minimizing or Avoider couples seek positive, predictable and secure attachment, and value compatibility. This style is considered the most stable and with the least amount of emotional intimacy. These couples have full and busy work and social lives and thus tend to avoid dealing with conflict and unexpected difficulties. Communication is experienced as supportive and conflict usually leads to resolution and negotiation when addressed. Affection and physical intimacy are important but follow more traditional sex roles with less variety or experimentation. This couple style can pose risks of complacency and the experience of living parallel lives. 

3. Best Friend or Validating is the couple style with the highest level of emotional intimacy and compatibility, with the basis being respect, trust, and a close friendship. These couples share their lives as one would imagine as "soul mates" and inhibit autonomy and expression of different preferences for the sake of "coupleness". Communication and support are important values, so partners tend to address conflicts and problems more directly than avoiding them. While emotional and physical intimacy seem to be special in these couples, they are also the most vulnerable to disappointments, resentment, difficulties with personal boundaries, and betrayal or trust issues. Couples can also become complacent and become so close they experience diminished sexual attraction and desire. 

4. Emotionally Expressive or Volatile couple style is considered the one involving the most engaged, reactive and emotionally and erotically charged. These couples can feel either too close or too distant rather than a balanced interdependence between individual needs and "coupleness." While they are less secure and unstable because of the higher level of conflict these couples can stay vitalized despite frequent arguments and power struggles. Expressing feelings, perceptions, and opinions are valued and there is a great deal of energy or "drama" spent dealing with change and crises. These couples are most vulnerable to crossing boundaries, creating mistrust, engaging in abusive behaviors, and experience the highest divorce rate. 

Recent empirical research on couples indicates that marriages strengthened by shared values, interests, lifestyle choices, and similarities in core personality traits and factors are key for mate choice, compatibility and relationship satisfaction. This observation contrasts with popular societal or cultural beliefs that "opposites attract" since experience shows that many differences, of course, become later sources of conflict. It is still important to accept that individual differences are an inevitable part of committed relationships but couples can still address potential tensions and problems through disclosure and exploration of feelings, desires, and intentions.

In a recent study of newlyweds it was found that couples with similar personality traits are more suitably matched and contribute to happier, more satisfying marriages. Again, the couples that are more alike and share interests form stronger, more secure attachment since personality similarities contribute to about half of the couples' level of marital satisfaction. This was true except for the finding that one important personality trait was not significant in marital satisfaction and that was that two extroverts or introverts were no happier matched together than an extrovert and introvert who married one another. We can conclude that sharing most personality traits enhances compatibility and reduces the potential of misunderstandings that are part of the stressors of daily life and reflect how relationships strengthen and change over time. 

The value of communicating feelings of empathy, respect, and support goes hand-in-hand with the importance of couples having similar values and attitudes that make a difference in the level of commitment to the relationship. We have learned that whether couples stay together depends on what they expect from marriage and how they handle differences and conflict (and the negativity that results from damaging patterns of communication). The final advice from researchers was practical and simple: take the time to really know the person you are planning to marry and appreciate their personality traits!

McCarthy, B. & McCarthy, E. (2004) Getting It Right The First Time. New York: Taylor & Francis.

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Lucy S. Raizman, LCSW, LMFT is a Senior Therapist in CFR's Doylestown and Spring House offices. She can be reached at 215-345-8454 x2.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.