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Survey says...“Communicate”

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT
June 1, 2009

Survey says...'Communicate'

When surveys ask what could be improved in a person’s family, one theme is repeated: “Better communications.” We want to be able to talk openly and freely with our partners and our kids without arguing most of the time. We also want to talk with other family members such as sisters, brothers, and parents and we often want to be able to improve talking with friends. Underlying this desire to talk is one goal; we want to feel connected to those people who are important in our lives.

The concept is simple. We want to have better communications. Yet somehow the idea of talking and listening – that simple idea – is often difficult and frustrating. Something gets in the way. Something keeps us from having the connection we want so badly in our heart of hearts. There is a way. Communications can be better and the steps are not difficult to understand, even though they may take practice.

Before discussing the steps for better communications, we will review the barriers that arise. There are only two basic barriers that keep people who care about each other from being able to talk to each other in positive ways:

  1. Shut Down – This is a low energy or passive barrier that includes being quiet, not responding, leaving the room, or even leaving the house.
  2. Attack – This is a high energy or aggressive barrier that includes yelling, blaming the other person, calling them names, and changing the subject.

Barriers attempt to serve the purpose of protecting people from feeling put-down, blamed, or even rejected by the other person, who is often a spouse or parent. Without realizing it, we refuse to feel put-down so we do one of the barriers; we shut down or attack. The problem is that barriers do not work. We still feel put down, plus we are unable to talk with the person we care about. Anger grows. Guilt grows. Distance grows. Change seems impossible.

But change is possible and it has been proven. Communications and closeness improves by learning and practicing two primary skills, and when these are practiced, barriers are not needed. The two skills are:

  1. Express your feelings and your wants and needs.
  2. Listen carefully to the other person when they talk.

These two steps sound easy but they are quite difficult for most people because these two steps are a completely new way of engaging with a spouse or family member. The description below shows how to begin.

To express feelings and wants and needs, one must first be in touch with each of those inside of themselves. Most people are unaware of how they feel about an issue, especially if they are in the middle of a heated debate about it. Most conversations take the form of loud words such as “You are wrong….!”, or “That is not what I said….!” To be able to connect, the secret is to express your inner self; not attempt to tell the other person what they are doing. This is a big step for people; a big change. So, ask yourself right now, what feelings do you have about an issue you and your partner disagree about? Are you concerned that Johnny will fail math, or afraid that something your spouse is doing will create some problem, or do you feel helpless about something going on in the family? Note that emotions are single words. Find these single words inside of yourself and express them to your partner, family member, or friend. By doing this you will be speaking the truth for yourself. They can debate your opinions, but they can not debate what is true for you. No one can say, for example, “You aren’t sad about Uncle Jimmy,” or “You aren’t worried about Sally.” The opportunity for argument begins to decrease. Already the chance for being closer has improved.

To listen, really listen, means placing one’s own emotions and thoughts aside and attempting to be in the inner world of the person speaking. Listen for the feelings, emotions, wants, and needs that they have, even if they are not being completely clear about them. If your spouse says “I am concerned about Johnny,” listen to that concern. Be in their emotional world. If you are listening, then your response will be simply, “I hear you. I understand your concern.” If you find yourself saying, “Don’t blame me. That’s how Johnny is, he’ll grow out of it,” then you know that you are trying to fix their problem, but not really hearing them. Avoid fixing for now. People want to be heard first.

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT is a Senior Staff Therapist who specializes in counseling for couples and families. He works out of the Council for Relationships offices in Doylestown and can be reached by calling 215-345-8454 ext. 4.

Bill has published a new book, Become Closer, which provides a simple three step approach that captures the proven methods of talking with those you love. It is available on Amazon.com and at major book stores.






For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips. 

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