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Coming Out

Mervin J. Fry, MDiv, PhD
August 23, 2004

Coming out as gay or bisexual is a life-long process that is both internal and external.

A person who is internally wired to respond sexually to someone of the same sex is often aware of that fact from an early age - five or six is not uncommon. But negative social attitudes about childhood sexuality in general and about homosexuality in particular lead many children to hide or deny their true feelings. They do this externally in relation to others but also internally in terms of how they think about and feel about themselves. So coming out, accepting the truth about oneself and sharing that truth with others, is both an external and an internal process. And the internal process is, perhaps, the more important of the two. 

I was talking recently with a 57 year-old gay man who was raised in a Catholic family. He knew he was attracted to boys from the age of five, but he also knew that his society and his religion were telling him his desire was wrong. His religion also taught him that God had made him and that God was perfect. By the time he was thirteen, this man had reached an astonishing level of self-acceptance. He reasoned that if God had made him the way he was, desiring and finding pleasure with other boys, and God was perfect, then there was nothing wrong with him. It was those with negative attitudes about homosexuality who did not understand the true nature and purpose of God. Through self-acceptance this man found the internal strength to go through junior and senior high school as an openly gay adolescent even before the beginning of the current gay rights movement in 1969.

By contrast, another 57 year-old gay man who also experienced himself as gay from an early age continued to believe there was something wrong about the way he was wired. At the age of thirteen, he decided that being gay and going through the public shame involved in coming out were not worth it and that he would "go straight". He eventually fell in love with and married a woman and had children, suppressing his homosexual desire with a firm belief that God disapproved. But suppressed sexuality does not go away, and at the age of 45 this man found the way to true self-acceptance with the mantra, "God made me gay, God loves me this way, God wants me to be happy this way." Internal coming out led to external coming out. This brought a more integrated sense of self and a stronger feeling of connection to and acceptance by others.

It is often difficult to come to terms with your true self and live your authentic life, but it is important to realize that you are not alone. There is a world full of people just like you, and a strong community of supporters.

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Dr. Merv Fry was formerly a CFR Staff Therapist and an expert on gay, lesbian and bisexual concerns.

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