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Co-Parenting:
Learning How to Focus on the Best Interest of the Child

Rhoda S. Harvey, PhD
September 1, 2003

As divorce in this country is a reality of life (approximately 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce), we, as therapists, have become increasingly aware of, and sensitive to the effect that post-divorce parenting has on children.

Divorcing and separating from a partner is a painful process, and intense and contradictory feelings run rampant. Anger, fear, relief, grief, as well as apprehension about the future are all normal parts of this intense emotional experience. Two of the most frequent negative influences on the post-divorce co-parenting relationship are anger and assigning blame for the breakup.

The children of divorcing and separating parents are at psychological risk. Their lives have been severely altered, and they struggle with grief at the loss of the 'family' that they have known. They can feel angry at their parents, and also feel responsible for the separation. Children vary in how they deal with their emotions. While some can be articulate, others are silent and withdrawn, and still others become aggressive. They are now confronted with learning to live in two separate households where the rules will probably be different--for example, one parent may be restrictive, while the other is more lax. In some cases we see, children remark that on the days they spend at their father's house, they do not have to do homework; while the rest of the week at their mother's, they do. What they really need from their parents at this point is consistency, parallel expectations between their parents, and the reassurance that both parents are available to them. Children need to know that they do not have to choose one parent over the other.

At this point, however, the parents themselves are in a state of emotional flux, and decisions about custody and visitation can be adversely affected by the ongoing tension and anger between them. Children tend to do best when there is open access to each parent. Yet visitations, decisions about holidays, vacations, and overnights can be the very focus of parental disagreement leading to arguments which leave children feeling helpless and pushed toward taking sides.

At CFR, we are in the process of designing an education program for co-parenting. It has been difficult to attract both parents to a class, and this is undoubtedly due to the ongoing friction between them. To solve this problem, this year we will try offering one program for fathers, and one for mothers. We hope this will create a safer atmosphere for the individual parents, than if they were to come to class together.

Our experience has led us to understand that co-parenting requires the parents to become emotionally divorced. This involves accepting that the marriage is ended; understanding that both parties were participants and neither one is the sole cause of the separation. They need to learn to overcome their feelings toward each other, and to not let them interfere with their roles as parents. This means learning to relate as co-parents, rather than as spouses. Our goal is to teach parents how to raise their children together by making thoughtful decisions about what is in the child's best interests, rather than using the children as a means of revenge or retribution.

This is certainly an emotionally difficult task, and part of our process is to work with parents in helping them resolve the conflicts that are getting in the way of their parenting. We help them understand how their feelings and behaviors are affecting their children.

In our co-parenting class we discuss the impact of conflict on the child, and teach communication skills that focus on ways in which the parents can work together to negotiate solutions to such problems as visitations and holidays. Flexibility on both parents' part is critical. To that end, we encourage each parent to move away from a position of right versus wrong, and to understand and accept each other's different--but understandable and valid--viewpoints.

Parents are encouraged to recognize several basic issues: 

• Neither parent owns the child. If either parent attempts to punish the other parent by withholding access to the child, it frightens and confuses the child, placing him or her in the middle. 

• At different developmental states, children have different needs and parents can help them by recognizing this. Both parents need to be flexible in their approach to scheduling the child's time in the two households, depending on the needs and activities of the child. Young children may be fine being with either parent, but older children may have activities, or want time with friends at the usual scheduled time. 

• Children are loyal to both parents and want their parents to accept this. Criticism of the co-parent creates anxiety and conflict in the child, and puts him or her in the position defending or taking sides. In the worst case scenario, a child may feel that he or she has to give up a relationship with one co-parent in order to protect their relationship with the other. As angry and hurt as parents might be, it is essential that neither put the other down in front of the child. 

Effective communication and negotiation skills can be learned and will help both parents and children develop and grow. The most effective communication occurs when co-parents can put aside their own negative feelings, and focus on what is best for their children. A reasonable way to accomplish this is for co-parents to do the following. 

1. Identify the issue. 

2. Set a mutually convenient time, away from the children, to discuss it. 

3. State the concern, without blaming. 

4. Stay focused on only that issue. 

5. Listen to each other, and make sure that each parent's point of view is heard and understood. 

6. Come to a decision that is based on the child's needs. 

Working with co-parents is still in a developmental stage, and we hope to continue to increase our understanding of the issues involved, so that we can continue to be helpful to this very vulnerable population.

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Rhoda S. Harvey, PhD was formerly the Clinical Director of CFR's University City office and a Senior Staff Therapist.

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