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Children and Self-Esteem

Judith A. Owens, MA, LMFT
February 21, 2005

I've been thinking recently about that common, but complicated, goal of every thoughtful parent: building a child's self-esteem. We are so lucky to have the luxury of such a concern. In many times and places, parents worry about adequate food, shelter and clothing. 

Yet parents today seem to worry about their children's self-esteem a great deal. Many moms and dads come to my office and say they don't feel they're doing enough to help their youngsters and teens feel good about themselves. And in talking to the young people, I find many of them do have feelings of unworthiness and anxiety about their futures. How can this be, when families are investing so much effort and money in finding the right neighborhoods, schools, music lessons, travel experiences, athletic instruction and so on? 

There are probably many answers to that question. Life is complicated, and children face pressures today that may very well be unprecedented. Among the possible answers is one I have particular concerns about, however. That is the issue of a child's contribution to a household. 

In some communities children know their chores are necessary to the running of the household. Whether they are caring for younger children, taking responsibility for some of the livestock, preparing family meals, mending equipment or keeping an area clean, their actions are a part of how the business and family operates. Some of us who were raised in this way are very pleased that we are able to allow our children more time to play, less responsibility, and a more care-free existence. 

But I wonder if we have gone too far. Are we allowing children enough chances to feel useful? Do our children know the satisfaction of being needed, of doing a job well? Are our children developing skills they will need when they are independent? Do they have a sense of their increasing abilities and of our pride in them? 

In most households, there are more jobs to be done than people to fill them. This may be especially clear in homes with one parent or with two working parents. Even when a parent is home full-time, however, a child's participation may be a welcome addition, an opportunity to share time together, and learn meaningful skills. 

So if you're not already providing these opportunities, how do you get started? Be sure to take into consideration your child's age and skills when assigning tasks. Watch for the trap of expecting too much, as well as too little. Give good instruction and guidance, then step back and let the child do the job their way. I encourage parents to allow the schedule to be somewhat under the child's control; for instance, you might want the clothes folded right now, but you would accept it if they were done by dinnertime. Our children are usually not impressed by false praise - let them know when they've done a good job, and be clear what the time they have saved you has meant to you. Perhaps their setting the table has allowed you to return a phone call that's been nagging you, or sit and relax for a few minutes before starting dinner. Children, just like the rest of us, love to be needed and appreciated - give them that chance. 

I hope you will enjoy having an increasingly skilled participant in your household, and your children will enjoy working with you as they mature and move toward their own independent lives.

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Judith A. Owens, MA, LMFT was formerly Director of CFR's New Jersey offices.

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