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Catch Them Being Good

Michele Marsh, PhD
January 9, 2006

Amidst the stresses of everyday life, it is easy to focus on the negatives. Most of us are never too far removed from our most recent problem, whether it be a traffic jam, water in the basement, our teenager's "F" in Chemistry or daily squabbles with people in our lives. Add in the "serious" difficulties-not enough money, too much work, a depressed spouse, too much anger in our marriage, serious illness, special needs of the kids-and life can look way too challenging on any given day. You may wonder, "How can I turn the tide in a more positive direction?" 

Many people talk to me about their lives and the challenges they face; their trust and openness in therapy is a wonderful gift. Often I hear people's private doubts and worries: "Is my husband happy at all with me?" "Does my wife even like me anymore?" "The kids are 'in their own world'; all they want from me is money!" or "The job's just a job these days. The boss doesn't notice how hard I work just to keep up!" We all may wonder, is there anyone out there who feels they receive enough positive recognition for who they are, or for what they do? Although we may know people of tremendous accomplishment and even great virtue, how many of them receive the simple rewards of a "Thank you" or a "Job well done" as they navigate the pressures of everyday life? 

There are several ways to help yourself and your loved ones enjoy the positives in life more, even amidst the stresses. Focus on the positive gets at the heart of the matter. Here's how: 

1. Positive Recognition
   To increase the experience of positive feelings in your life, it is extremely helpful to look for the positive behaviors of our loved ones, and take pleasure in them, rather than focus on the negative events that irritate us. Yes, it is quite annoying to hear our children argue repetitively over the TV remote or the PlayStation 2, or perhaps even worse, to insult each other when in a "mean" mood. (Unfortunately they know each other's weaknesses only too well.) The most effective way to shape their behavior is to recognize the small steps they make toward friendship and peace. Ignoring the negative, and freely giving your praise, might sound like this: "It's great to see you sharing the game together," or "I really enjoy seeing you two have fun like this," or "We've had such a peaceful morning, I was able to read the paper today!" If you remember that your children do (sometimes secretly) crave your approval, you will be able to believe that increasing such comments can help both your children and you have a more pleasurable day. Perhaps more importantly, your recognition and pride in their positive behaviors can provide enough reinforcement to increase the strength of their emerging skills and virtues. A child recognized for kindness or patience is likely to continue growing in that desired direction!
   
   

2. Realistic Encouragement and Praise
   With children of all ages, it is important to be specific with your encouraging statements or praise. A child who learns to expect much praise for putting forth little effort may find little reason to increase their level of striving or accomplishment. And a child who feels drained and hopeless is not likely to be helped by lavish praise that does not reflect their success so far. For example, with a child who is cranky about homework or challenged by a tough subject, your unfettered enthusiasm or general praise is likely to fall on deaf ears. "You're the brightest one in the class" is not helpful when the child is struggling academically; even if it's true, s/he will not believe it. However, saying, "I know you can do this. Remember that last book report you did?" gives some specific feedback that might ring more true to the child and therefore encourage them more effectively. Remarking on what is already done well, such as "I think that's a good beginning. Why don't you try the next step?" may provide just enough hope and positive feedback to energize the frustrated child. 
   
   Validating a child's or teenager's emotions is valuable, so they know you understand their struggles. Yet it is also important to transmit the belief that they can still move ahead despite their difficult feelings. For example, "I know you feel frustrated (or angry, or bored, etc.) communicates empathy for the child, and can be followed with a gentle, positive push, such as "You can probably finish this part soon, and then relax." 
   
   Regarding praise, Dr. Martin Seligman writes: "Love, affection, warmth and ebullience should all be delivered unconditionally. The more of these, the more positive the atmosphere, and the more secure your child will be. The more secure he is, the more he will explore and find mastery. But praise is an altogether different matter. Praise your child contingent on a success, not just to make him feel better, and grade your praise to fit the accomplishment." (from Authentic Happiness, 2002)
   
   

3. Catch your partner being good too!
   Despite being grown up and settled into life's routines, all committed partners need to learn new skills or practice new habits to improve their daily lives and their relationship. And most people do this more willingly if they receive some recognition and positive feedback. If you have asked your wife to hang up your shirts after a few minutes in the dryer, it pays to notice that the shirts aren't as wrinkled as usual! If you have asked your husband to make the bed when he gets up, he'll be pleased if you notice the improvement when you return home. It is not childish to need positive recognition and appreciation! It could be called human instead. Especially in the arena of committed relationships, when partners are trying to learn how to please each other and achieve some reasonable level of happiness themselves, it helps to notice when you are getting what you asked for. 
   
   Communication is an area where people need to be recognized for growth. The husband who finally starts expressing his feelings will not be happy to be interrupted, or to be told, "I can't believe you said that!" or "How can you possibly feel that way?" The woman who contains her reaction while listening to her partner's complaints does not want to be criticized for frowning, but rather appreciated for listening. No matter their age, family members who are doing chores more regularly would like to hear that you are pleased, rather than be told that you noticed the few crumbs on the kitchen counter or one cup left in the sink. Very simply, try to like what you see, and find a way to say so explicitly. Rather than assume that praise is implied, putting out positive energy by giving praise will raise the level of positive emotion in the relationship. 

You may have noticed that these suggestions for noticing the positive require some attention and self-control. Monitoring your own emotional reactivity and "keeping yourself together" will allow you to pay more attention to your partner's good deeds and to his/her needs for acknowledgement and appreciation. Noticing his/her efforts will most likely increase your partner's motivation to continue communicating well with you and pleasing you. Then you have succeeded at creating a positive feedback loop that helps increase happiness and satisfaction in the relationship!

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Dr. Michele Marsh is a Senior Staff Therapist and Director of CFR's Center City, Wynnewood and Bryn Mawr offices. She can be reached at 215-575-9140 x1.

For more relationship advice, check out our Archive of Relationship Tips.