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Beneath the Anger

Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT
August 7, 2006

Two basic emotions often lie beneath anger: fear and hurt. Recognizing the presence of these two emotions and being able to discuss them opens new doors to communications. And, through the new communications, relationships grow stronger. Let’s begin by discussing how anger can have various levels and can be disguised with different words. Then we can address fear and hurt.

Anger can span a range from a mere upset to a full rage. What may lead to one person being red in the face with anger may be a mild frustration for another, depending on the circumstances at the time for each person. Also, anger carries different names. Here is a brief list of possibilities, perhaps you recognize some of them, as a person might say : “ I am...annoyed, boiling, cross, enraged, frustrated, furious, huffy, hot under the collar, irritated, infuriated, livid, mad, sore, sick-and-tired of ______, steamed-up, ticked-off, upset," and more.

So, the next time you hear yourself use any of these words, it might be a signal that you are angry at some level and the suggestions given below for handling that anger might help. A final preparation point here is that the level at which we feel and even express our anger may be very different from the level at which others around us may perceive it. For example, I might say that “ I am really frustrated" with something and I may simply mean that I have a low-level of anger, perhaps 2 out of 10. Yet, someone close to me may hear my level of anger as 9 out of 10. Circumstances influence how they perceive and interpret. This is not a shortcoming on their part, it is simply how they are being in relationship to me over this issue.

Now let’s discuss fear and hurt. By recognizing these two key emotions in ourselves, we have a better chance of lowering our anger-defenses and exposing our real feelings, which opens the door to new understandings. A classic example is this: You are driving on the highway and someone suddenly switches lanes, cutting sharply in front of your car. You swerve to avoid what looks to be an accident in the making. As the other person speeds away, what is your reaction? Probably anger, and probably a high level, especially if you have a new car, or you have a child in the back seat, or something else that is important to you. Now, what lies beneath the anger? Fear is likely there. Fear, perhaps, of physical harm, or fear of a significant disruption in your life. Also, hurt is likely there, stemming from a perception that the other driver had no regard for you and thought only of themselves. But fear and hurt are not felt first or expressed first; anger is.

Now let’s consider an example involving a relationship rather than someone speeding down the road. Here is a simple example: As you are talking to your partner, they unexpectedly turn and walk away. Again, one could expect to experience anger, and under the anger is hurt...feeling rejected, and also fear...perhaps fear that your partner is behaving strangely or that they are angry at you. But, again, fear and hurt are likely to not be felt or expressed first; anger is.

The emotion that springs from this near accident or from your partner turning away unexpectedly is a primal one; an emotion that attempts to create a defense and protection. That emotion is anger. It is raw, fast, and provides a way of defending and of fighting back; a primal response. The difficulty is that it also prevents and cuts-off communications. Things usually get worse instead of better. An angry reaction would be to use a loud voice; to wave one’s fist or hand at the other person; to say “You cut in front of me!” or “You can’t just walk away from me!” To improve a relationship, however, one can address the fear and hurt with the other person in the relationship.. To address your true emotions requires three things: 1) To pause long enough to be aware of your fear and hurt lying underneath the anger, 2) To understand what you are fearful about, or to understand the nature of the hurt involved, or both, and 3) To have or develop a level of trust that the other person...a partner, a family member, or a friend...will listen and understand.

In counseling sessions, a therapist strives to create a safe place where openness of expression can occur, where two angry people, or a family of angry people, can first understand their fears and hurts, and then express them to others in the family. Imagine the understanding that can be formed when a family member says “I felt put-aside last night and it really hurt. I also am afraid that it will happen again and again, and that really scares me.” This statement is a gift to the other family members. They have an opportunity to see the importance to the person and their true inner emotions. There will be a new and effective opportunity for understanding if these fears and hurts are addressed.

So, the next time you are angry with a partner, search for your underlying fear and hurt. Then consider expressing it to your partner. If you need a safe place to start and additional learning and practice, consider finding a counselor to guide you through this new way of communicating to reduce anger and to increase trust. At Council for Relationships we have counselors who specialize in relationships. We are here to help.

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Bill Montgomery, MA, MFT specializes in counseling for couples and families. He works out of the Council for Relationships offices in Oxford Valley and can be reached by calling 215-741-1266.

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