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The 'Attachment Dance' of Relationships:
A Map and Theory of Adult Love

Lucy S. Raizman, LCSW, LMFT
May 5, 2008

This Tip of the Week is an updated version of a previous article for our CFR Newsletter, co-written with my colleague Joellyn L. Ross, after we returned from an advanced training in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) in Canada several years ago. After working with this approach more intensively and witnessing its effectiveness with distressed couples, especially those impacted by intimacy and trust issues, I have found that it helps tremendously. In times of need, when we suffer a betrayal or feel let down by a partner during key life events, we don't experience our partner as being available or responsive to our hurts and pain. The "attachment dance" in adult love involves learning the "steps" to connect and feel secure with one another and responding to the "music" or emotions expressed by each partner. Often when attachment needs are unmet there are negative emotions expressed (such as protest, panic, anger, criticism and withdrawal) that adversely impact the relationship.

What is EFT?

Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) is a well-researched and effective short-term approach to working with couples. It is an experiential and collaborative attachment-oriented approach to coaching distressed couples to develop more satisfying and secure intimate bonds. The real "heart of the matter" in EFT, according the co-developer Susan Johnson, is helping couples create the necessary safety and trust to "risk and reach" with one another, in spite of their fears, in order to better meet their core relationship needs.

What's important about attachment?

Attachment theory, developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1988), provides a theoretical framework for EFT and for understanding the complexities of adult love and the challenges of intimate relationships. By seeing and experiencing emotion as the powerful and adaptive force of the "music of the attachment dance," therapists and clients learn "new steps" for listening, modifying and responding to the unique emotions of intimate interactions. This, in turn, helps partners change and reconnect in their committed relationships and feel more securely bonded or attached.

As human beings our primary biological needs and innate motivating forces for physical contact and emotional dependability require the creation of a safe haven and secure base with our partner. Furthermore, changes or shifts occur through deep and corrective emotional experiences, and opportunities for greater confiding, caring, empathy and sexual pleasure are best facilitated within the context of strong attachment bonds or emotional ties. The goal of the sessions is to help the couples develop these bonds by facilitating emotional safety so that more attachment needs will be met.

What happens when we become distressed?

All human beings share common fears of being abandoned, alone, unaccepted, unloved, or rejected as inadequate partners. Johnson credits John Gottman's extensive research on couples and points out that "absorbing states of negative affect," such as anger or fear, take over when couples become distressed. Couples "get stuck" in repetitive negative cycles or patterns during times of unresolved conflict. These negative patterns limit communication and escalate reactive responses or withdrawal from one another. Johnson says that men tend to "sink" in their emotions, and get flooded by hurt and anger, and women tend to "swim" in their emotions which allow them to be more expressive and persistent. Both genders often become overwhelmed, defensive and distant during disagreements and have difficulty stepping out of negative habits of relating to, asking for, or receiving understanding, support and comfort. Negative methods of communicating in cycles and patterns can lead couples to feel a sense of failure that impacts the bond of their attachment and blocks the experience of closeness and connection.

What's different about EFT?

Instead of getting lost in the midst of the content or many stories about couples' communication, therapists are encouraged to be curious and to focus on "process." This means that therapists fill a role as consultants who are working to build a strong alliance with couples by supporting and validating their feelings, thoughts, concerns, and desires. It is important to explore often unseen or unheard feelings of hurt, sadness and anger while also validating differing points of view and empathizing with each side's subjective emotional experiences. This process facilitates the couples' opportunities to access, re-discover, make sense, expand and share emotions differently while face-to-face in the therapist's office. The structure, focus and attention to what is important in terms of the couples' emotions and experience helps them "process" or re-organize their experience in newer and more meaningful ways.

It is well known that positive attachment and healthy marital functioning and satisfaction serve as buffers against stress and the uncertainties of what can feel like a daunting and dangerous world. There are clear links between relationships and emotional distress, particularly depression, anxiety and trauma-related symptoms. Fostering safe, secure bonding and intimacy improves our ability to cope with pain and danger, while isolation and withdrawal from others makes us feel vulnerable and lonely. So it is certainly important to consider what you are doing in your relationship that contributes to your own "attachment dance" and what you can do to change your behavior so that you may experience the benefits of feeling closer and more connected with your partner.

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Lucy S. Raizman, LCSW, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist at Council for Relationships, and practices in our Doylestown and Spring House offices. She can be reached at 215-345-8454.

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